Thursday, June 9, 2011

Oooh, ahhh, mmmm

Not long ago, I was at my usual bar for karaoke. It was not my usual night for this, though, and the crowd was different. We were celebrating a girl's birthday, and since I quite like this girl (don't know her very well, but like her anyway), there I was.

I was in a pretty good mood that night, having just spent some lovely quality time with Desk, and was on my 3rd drink when the KJ announced he was going to have a contest on stage. A mystery contest! The prizes would be chosen from a bag of assorted goodies (t-shirts, towels) from a local music store. Not that exciting, but contests! Whee!

Buzzing on endorphins and rum (best combo), I leapt onstage. (my blog editor doesn't like the word "leapt." That's a word, dammit!) There were 4 guys, the birthday girl, and me. Our KJ said, "okay, you're up here now. Last chance to leave - once I tell you what the contest is, you're stuck!" We all tittered nervously.

"I want you to show us your best fake orgasm."

The birthday girl scampered off the stage, but KJ allowed it since it was her birthday, after all. That left four dudes... and me. Ohhh boy.

Do guys even fake orgasms much? I mean, I have this vague feeling that sure, it DOES happen sometimes, but I would think it would be a lot more difficult and less common. In the past, I have been with guys who have said to me, "I don't think it's gonna happen this time." My reaction? "Okey doke." No big deal.

I used to freak out, thinking I'd done something wrong, wasn't doing something right, whatever. Ladies? Freaking out? Doesn't help the guy. You want to have sex with him again sometime, you just calm right the fuck down and go with the flow. Now I've learned that quite frankly, I'm just fine at what I do and sometimes it just doesn't happen. Too tired, too drunk, too recently already blew his load... doesn't matter. It's probably NOT me.

I also used to be a fake orgasm-er. I thought it was only fair, he's trying so hard, why not let him think he got the job done? Isn't that what all women do? But it wasn't long before I realized I was cheating myself. Sure, my orgasms are nowhere near as earth-shattering as a pig's, but I quite enjoy them. So why shouldn't I be having them with, you know, other people involved?

So I stopped faking it. I will still make allowances - if the guy is one of those I AM A MAN DAMMIT types who just will. not. give. up. until (he thinks) I've finished. For the record, I hate that. If I whisper sexily to you, I want you to come, it's because I've grown weary of what's happening and want to be done now. "But what.. about.. you?" the guy will sometimes pant, clearly struggling to maintain his rhythm. I'm TELLING you what about me: I WANT YOU TO FINISH NOW.

Sometimes I'll say, hey, I don't usually come the first few times with a new partner, but it's cool. Take me at my word and don't think you have to out-perform all the guys who tried before you. Because you won't, and let's not even talk about how many there were that tried. And that pressure on ME isn't going to help the situation even a little bit; it will, in fact, make it worse. Thanks for stealing even the joy of just having sex from me, buddy! Awesome!

(PS - a great quote from Genie regarding why the orgasm is sometimes faked? "All I know is I don't like to be asked who my daddy is.")

And yes, I tell new partners who express some concern about making me come that they need to just relax and let me enjoy everything. Then when he's done, he needs to stick around and follow instructions so I can get my happy ending, too. Everyone's happy! And, I've discovered that many guys actually quite enjoy this method because they get to watch the magic happen. Bonus!


Orgasm? Don't? Whatev. Enjoy the ride. HEYOOOO.

(oh and bee tee dub, I totally won that contest. I mean, probably because I was the only girl, but STILL.)


  1. I've only ever faked once, and it was because I was literally exhausted but felt like asking for a momentary break was kind of wimpy. I was very drunk, we had both already come once, but we were both still very much in the mood. She wore me out, I completely admit. The room was hot from the activity and spinning because of the alcohol and my mouth was dry and all I fucking wanted was a drink of water and five minutes to catch my breath. So instead of asking for that, because I had a condom on and she was facing away from me...I faked it. Later on, after I'd gotten a breather and more hydration, we went again and we both finished and all was hunky dory, but...I did fake it. Just once. Out of embarrassment at my lack of stamina. Any other time, I'm more than willing to just say it's not going to happen and let it go.

  2. As a man, I admit I'm not the most amazing performer in bed by far. But I have to say I love it when a woman comes, and I'll do just about anything to make it happen...seriously a woman's orgasm is the sexist thing ever.

  3. I hate the phrase blew his load. Please never use it again. haha.

    I agree with you, "I can't wait for you to come" means oh my god I am so tired and this is not happening. Please can we relax now? Stop holding off for as long as possible.

    I have never faked an orgasm during sex. I HAVE overexaggerated my orgasm during other stuff.