Input, Steph-a-nie!

Number 5 is ALIVE!

But seriously, a while back I posted about a guy who wants to love his lady but let her love others. A sort of one-sided polyamory situation, I guess? One commenter said she is, in fact, in such a situation, and I asked if she could convince her husband to respond and explain the appeal.

He did! So everyone else who was curious, go back and read the last comment. It's really interesting, and I would like to thank Anonymous Husband for taking the time to give us all some insight into that lifestyle and his through processes surrounding that choice.

This Post Might Make You Hungry

Another wonderful afternoon conversation with Mrs. H! I love being the person that everyone knows they can come to when they have a completely random question/statement, especially about sex. Because my reaction is never, "WTF??" It's always a serious consideration and response. I'm not known for bothering with segues myself, so why should anyone else? And I'm always up (get it? GET IT?) for talking about sex.

Mrs. H: food+sex=super hot? Why is that a thing on tv and in movies and stuff? Maybe it's my laziness and not wanting to clean up a bunch of stuff, but that does not sound even remotely sexy to me.

BobGinger: I agree that food does not have a place in my pants.

Mrs. H:  you may be asking yourself where this is coming from. Allow me to tell you...

Carcinogens: Everything

What do you think? Should I send this list to Desk and see if it totally paralyzes him?

(note: I'm not making fun of cancer. Cancer sucks ginormous hairy monkey ass. I'm making fun of Desk, because he's a poopy-head and that is what overgrown children like me do to poopy-heads.)

Desk: The Email, Pt 2

(Prologue here -- Email, Pt 1 here)

I told you it was the longest email ever! So let's keep going, because I don't think I've been insulted enough... and I'm just going to ignore his misspellings but you should know I SEE THEM.

None of those things on there own is particularly damning, it's just
taken together I can't help see the patterns emerge.  It naturally
leads me along another line of reasoning, to wonder if maybe you have
fallen prey to believing some lies about yourself...that you aren't
beautiful, that you need anti-depressants, that you must smell a
certain way to fit into this culture.

Actually, my nose is what tells me how I should smell, and I prefer to smell nice.

I see you not trusting your beauty so you hide it.  I see you 
hooked by big Pharma on products that don't cure your depression 
and decrease your ability to experience orgasm.

"big Pharma"? What? So medicine that helps me not want to kill myself is bad, but smoking pot every single day (which he does) is perfectly acceptable? And since when can I not experience orgasm? Oh yeah, that ONE time, the last time we were together, the night you ranted about the environment and I just wasn't feeling it with you so I said "it's not gonna happen." THAT time. Yep. Must've been the meds.

Bat Farts

Coworker: Ummm
Coworker: http://giantbatfarts.com/
Coworker: (needs sound)
BobGinger: should not surprise you that I have seen this site before.
DN: Yeah, you are easily the classiest woman I know.

Poly, part 1

As I'm reading more about polyamory, I have to admit the whole concept is fascinating. I have little experience with it myself. Before I moved to Seattle, I'd never even heard of it. When I first came up here, I was staying with some folks on their couch. They took me to a Halloween party at someone's house, telling me two couples lived there. Okay, I thought, the cost of living is pretty high here, so maybe that's a regular thing.

We arrive, and I'm introduced to one of the married couples. Not long after, I spotted the husband across the room, holding hands with another woman who had just arrived... and the wife was definitely flirting with me. I was baffled and surprised.

Turns out, the two couples lived together because 3 of the 4 were dating each other, and the 4th dated "outside the home." My small-town, Southern mind = blown.

Since then I've become friends with people who are active and successful with the poly lifestyle. One woman I knew for at least a year, along with her boyfriend, before learning that he was not her husband. That, in fact, both of them were married to other people. I also went on a date with a man who told me about his "primary" relationship with a married woman. At the time, I declined to continue dating him. I was still new to this area, and to the idea of polyamory.

Most of my current group of friends frown on the concept. Laugh at it, even. I think this is because in this particular group, we know of two people who have attempted this lifestyle, and both failed or are currently failing. I'm learning more about what I think is the ... true? form of polyamory, which is to say, open and honest communication, not having a partner and then using other people on the side for free meals under the guise of "dates." It also doesn't help when someone who is polyamorous touts this as The Lifestyle, spouting that "people are not MEANT to be monogamous," etc. Anyone who beats others with their own beliefs as being universal will have trouble actually being accepted. Some people are monogamous by nature, others are not, just like anything else.

This is all to say: I'm still sorting this all out in my mind, but I definitely want information, from all sides. Are you anti-poly? That's okay. Pro-poly, but not for yourself? Awesome. Actively poly? Fascinating. I'd like to hear from all of you! Why you feel the way you do, what your experiences are, etc. Either in the comments, or feel free to email me. If you choose to comment, though, please be respectful. Haters gonna hate - but if you can't be open-minded about different relationships and sex, you're on the wrong blog.

Too Good to be True?

Recently I've been doing some research into the concept of polyamory for a future post. It's a fascinating idea and where I live, there's quite a large community of folks who practice poly. There are all sorts of different ... arrangements, I guess would be the word, in the community. But that's all to come later!

Part of my research is poking around in the sometimes-skeezy underbelly of Craigslist personals. It's amazing the number of married folks on there posting for affairs. Sometimes they wish you to be "discrete," which quite frankly cracks me up every time.

In all this poking around, I found a fascinating post that seems too good to be true. So of course, I emailed the fella who posted it, and asked a few questions.

First, his post:

---

Good Day to all,

I have a proposition which many women may have never encountered, but I assure you is wonderful. I am seeking a woman that I can treat like a queen...that I can connect with emotionally and intellectually, and that I can love deeply. And there's just a little bit more that you'll find particularly intriguing...

I'm a handsome, intelligent, healthy, stable, totally sane, dd free, very well-endowed, own my own home and cars, stable income, and the like. And I have a very interesting and passionate desire that I would like to live out. Ok...now to the unique part. I have always received the most satisfaction by making absolutely sure that the woman I am with is totally satisfied in every way. I derive a lot of pleasure out of knowing that she is very happy. I hope that makes some sense. I'll explain in more detail. For me, it's all about you. I happen to be very well endowed. I'm 9" and thick. I have a lot to work with and the ability to use it well. But there's this one thing.. it would be simply wonderful if I can see the woman that I love and care for completely enjoying herself on a sexual level as well . Basically, the lifestyle that I am seeking is about truly, deeply loving and caring for the woman in my life...and at the same time finding a great deal of pleasure and fun in seeing her enjoy herself with any other man that she wants. I want to care for and support a woman who is free to be with other guys all she wants. One unbreakable rule of this kind of caring and loving relationship is that I will not be allowed to sleep with anyone else but you. That's what I'm looking for in this relationship. It is intimate and caring, and there is much to share. It's a cuckold relationship...and if that is something that you would be interested in, then please let me know.

While you get the support of enjoying yourself as much as you want with anyone that you may wish, whenever you like, I will try and make sure that you are getting everything else that you need to be happy. If this sounds like a lifestyle that would work for you, then please let me know! The picture below is of me, taken about a year ago. I'm for real. My work allows me quite a bit of freedom. This is an honest and serious offer. I look forward to hearing from you. Please respond with "free" in the subject line so that I can be certain that you aren't a robot. Thank you! And good luck and peace on your searches!

---

He also posted a photo of his upper torso, shirtless, and ladies? He's in GOOOOOD shape. So, what's the catch here? I get some hot "well-endowed" dude to please my brains out, and I get to play around on the side? And that's not just okay, but even encouraged? I... um... hm. I'm sorry, I'm sleeping, right?

So I emailed him. "How did you discover this was something you enjoyed? What is it about this particular arrangement that appeals to you?" I told him I write a blog that frequently deals with topics of sex and relationships, and that this was the first I'd encountered of that sort of ... setup.

Today, he replied, and he's VERY polite.

---

Greetings!

How did I discover this was something I liked? I wish I had an answer, but I don't. It's just always been something that I have loved, desired, and wanted. What is it that appeals to me? It is seeing that my woman is getting pleased, taken into ecstasy, and absorbed in pleasure. It's knowing that this is MY woman that I am sharing, and that I have allowed/made this happen. I want to watch her totally absorbed in pleasure and happiness. I love it when my woman is happy and pleasured. It is hard to describe, but overall it's about wanting to know and witness and share with the woman that I love that she is being totally pleasured and taken and imbued. So, on your blog, you can simply state that there are men out there who really want to have the greatest pleasure for their partner. And this...is that. A woman who can be completely and totally free to enjoy themselves with others, and know that they can come home to a man will always be with them through it all. How's that sound to you?

In Peace

---

How does that sound to me? Well... still fishy. Am I too jaded? How does it sound to YOU?

(I just remembered that a lot of people will skim this... so to be clear: I didn't email him because I'm interested in taking him up on his offer. I just emailed to ask questions because it's a curious situation. I'm researching polyamory and this, technically, falls under that topic.)

Winner: Best Comment

I get some really excellent comments on this blog, partially because the blog content just sets itself up for that, and partly because so far, it would appear my audience is made up wholly of people I know, and I know awesome people. But this comment, from Desk: The Email, Pt 1, just takes the cake. And we know how much I love cake.

Dear Weiner:

Congratulations on winning. You obviously won so hard. Way to hate on macaroni and cheese! That shit is obviously for babies. Also, parents are overrated. People need to stop liking those things.

Props for being so manly, and not vindictive or whiny! You practically built the high road.

Sincerely,
Dreams Roughly the Size of a Pet Store as Well

Thanks, akachan, for making me laugh on a day when I'm feeling poopy!

Desk: The Email, Pt 1

(Prologue of the Desk story here)

Oh, yes, the email came. And friends, what an email. It is really, really long (that's what she said). I went to a party the Friday night after our fallout, and when I came home around midnight, I popped online to check email. And there it was.

The Longest, Meanest Email Ever.

Maybe not ever, that's a big statement... but still bad. Funnily enough, when he was badgering me about opening up and letting down walls, I told him it was hard for me because 9 out of the 10 people I chose to trust and open up to ended up hurting me. He acted like that was sad and he wouldn't be that guy. (They ALL act like they won't be that guy. THEY ARE.) Then I get this email, which is, in a word, rude.

I was going to post all of it, but I'll just pick out the REALLY offensive bits, and you, dear readers, should rest assured that the whole thing was really pretentious and offensive and awful. It's still going to get super long, but bear in mind throughout that this isn't even the whole thing...

Words!

Words that are fun to say:

1. Bonk
2. Dong/Dongle
3. Dag (Australian slang I just learned from Ozzie)
4. "hrnk"
5. Peanut
6. Kerfuffle
7. Glorious
8. Poo/poop/poot
9. Scoot (probably any "*oo*" word, actually)
and of course...
10. BUNNEH

Words I don't like saying (and I don't know why):

1. Panties
2. Moist
3. Tardy (unless I'm talking about the Turtle)
4. Teacher
5. Horny
6. Bow
7. Ribbon
8. Silly

Wednesday Mish-Mash

Things I'm excited about today:

1. Making Rolo cookies tomorrow night
2. Friend's bday celebration after work Friday
3. NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE FRIDAY NIGHT OMG
4. Volunteering at some crazy race thing Saturday
5. Seeing my ex-husband for the first time in almost 7 years for lunch today
6. I'm mere hours away from my work week being half over
7. Payday!
8. New earrings (I know, I'm excited about earrings? but come on... they are really cute! with elephants! and made by a local crafty artist-type lady!)
9. This article about Boobs of Yore
10. This song:



UPDATE: Report on item #5: lunch was good! My ex-husband is better-looking than he has any right to be, and we had some laughs reminiscing about that time I threw the Gameboy at his head, and other insane hormones-raging blowout fights of our past. Ah, youth.

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! Hi, My Name Is...

I have a friend who is Australian, and super friendly (and one of my Experts in Penis-Having on previous blog entries). Between his smiling, friendly demeanor and his charming accent, women tend to sort of blush and giggle when he chats with them. The problem is this: he's not single.

Why is that a problem? Well, he doesn't exactly lead with that information. He's a young guy, and he enjoys innocent flirtations. The problem is when the ladies take him seriously, only to learn later that he not only has a girlfriend, but also lives with her, which implies a level of commitment not to be easily broken by a new pretty face.

While I personally have witnessed Ozzie flirt with and charm young ladies without mentioning his girlfriend, I've discussed this with him and feel it's just part of his personality. Honestly, he's just as friendly with everyone - older ladies, guys, doesn't matter. He doesn't feel like "I have a girlfriend" is something he needs to blurt out immediately, particularly if it doesn't come up naturally in the course of the conversation. I met a couple of his "mates" not long ago, and was told only later by my friend that both of them have girlfriends back home. Neither of them acted inappropriately, but both were friendly, a bit flirty, and neither mentioned any lady love. Maybe it's a cultural thing?

I suggested Ozzie get a t-shirt made: I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND; I'M JUST FRIENDLY. Or perhaps, TAKEN, JUST AUSTRALIAN. He asked me to write about this so I could ask you, my lovely readers of infinite wisdom and insight: when do you bring up your relationship status?

Maybe I'm Childish...

...or maybe just sating the curious minds out there. What happened with Desk? people are asking. No, they really are, I'm not just using that as a ruse to start a blog entry. I debated a while, but ultimately I've decided to go ahead and share EXACTLY what happened with Desk.

I wasn't sure I would write this, because at some point, he did have the address to this blog; however, I'm pretty sure he never read it. It's probably beneath him. That and this blog's entire purpose is to tell the weirder tales from my dating life, and this is in the top ten now. So I'ma tell it! If he reads it, well... Hey, dude, you shouldn't have been such an ass. Maybe going forward I should ask guys I date and/or sleep with to sign waivers?

Before it hit the end, we already knew: he's too serious, I'm too goofy, we figured it wouldn't work. He demanded I lower my walls, I conceded. I cried in front of him, opened up, told him things. Me crying in front of someone is kiiiind of a big deal, so that was actually an important step for me. We continued to see each other once or twice a week, screw our brains out, talk, laugh, get drunk and stoned, text each other. Things were all right.

I knew it wasn't a Relationship, although I also knew we were exclusive sexually, for health reasons (we'd talked about this), and I didn't care about anything else. I knew he wasn't someone I wanted long-term, nor was I someone he wanted long-term. But I figured, we were fucking, so we must at least be friends. And friends go to each others' homes, meet each others' friends. And yet, we only hung out at my place.

Enter the naked bike ride. I met someone there, later that night got very drunk with him, and we made out. That's it, nothing else, but we Made The Fuck Out. It requires capital letters. It was a long, drawn-out, and quite public session of face-sucking. And it was fun. I haven't seen him since, and I'm not crying about it. But it reminded me of what it was like to just let go and have some fucking FUN with someone I found attractive.

My next date with Desk was a few days after that. I got him to agree to go out to dinner for once, but still... everything felt a bit forced. I wanted to laugh and joke; he wanted to have Discussions as usual. Somehow at the end of dinner, he went off on some rant about people just not thinking about things, and how can they not think about things. This went all the way back to my place. By then, we were on the topic of the environment and HOW can people NOT THINK about this? (says the guy driving a piece of shit car that's falling apart and probably putting out more pollutants every time he drives it than my car does in an entire week)

Still, we go in, watch a movie, bonk - but the sex is different this time, as I'm just not into it and he can tell. He gets ready to leave. I say something about seeing his home. I'm thinking, we keep hanging out and fucking, so why don't we ever do it at his place? He kind of... freaks out. It's weird. He gets super twitchy, says I still have "too many walls," and for him "it takes time" and he "has to be comfortable" and all this other rot. He tells me if I don't deal with my "walls" that I'm going to "go back to sitting alone in [my] apartment." What. Then he spouts, "I thought my intentions were clear when we started." "Oh," I replied, thoroughly done with the entire conversation and just wanting him to leave. "You're right." I hugged him, said goodbye, and closed the door. I'd decided right then and there that the feeling I'd had earlier that evening that we were through was, in fact, what was to be. It was over.

1. SO VERY SERIOUS PRETENTIOUS
2. Didn't wear deodorant ("it causes cancer" - right, because those cigarettes you smoke don't)
3. So, I have to drop all my walls immediately, even though we've only known each other a month, but YOU need TIME to "be comfortable" before you can introduce me to your home or your friends? Double standard much?

The next day, I got a text from him apologizing for "acting passive-aggressive" the night before, and that he was writing out his feelings in more detail and would send it to me when he was done. I read the text, shrugged, and put down my phone. I honestly didn't care what he had to say. I considered replying saying something along those lines, but couldn't even muster up enough interest to do that. When a couple of days went by with no email, I hoped he'd just dropped the idea and we could go our separate ways without further Discussion.

Ohhhh no. That was not to be.

TO BE CONTINUED....

(note: a friend suggested I do one day a week dedicated to the really good Jerk Stories. So Mondays now will be Douchebag Day, until I run out of those stories. The rest of the week, I'll just post whatever comes to mind. So, yes, you have to wait until next Monday to get Desk: The Email, Pt 1.)

Making THE MOVE

BobGinger: *sigh* I feel like I need to take a step back from the OMG SEX posts on my blog, but I have no idea what to write about. *writer's block*
Mrs. H: hmm.. how about the transition?
BobGinger: the transition? I am not formerly a man, Mrs. H. I know I'm boyish, but come on!

Hee. Mrs. H went on to explain she meant "how to go from 'date' to 'post date.'" How to make your move, I suppose. It can be awkward. Especially if you think a move is there to be made, and the person you're with is either not expecting said move, or - sadly - does not WANT said move. Signals are HARD, okay? [insert penis joke here]

So now I'm thinking... surely there have been times in my life where a move was attempted and thwarted. Maybe it was a poor attempt, maybe it was an unwanted attempt... maybe the word "attempt" is just going to get super weird... but the stories have got to be there.

Oral Sex: Pt 2

It turns out that it's harder (heyooo) to write about oral sex than I originally anticipated. I thought to myself, I love to receive it, I love to perform it, this'll be easy!

But here's what it turns out I have for you:

1. Yes, do it.
2. Breathe through your nose.
3. Don't involve your teeth.
4. It's not entirely oral: get your hands on in there.
and one more, specific to blowjobs: 5. Just swallow. Nobody likes a spitter.

Having given oral to both men and women, I thought maybe I was a little bit qualified to talk about both sides. Then again, I have to admit I'm a little short on one requirement for gaining The Full Experience: I don't have a penis. I have actually instructed other women on how to give good head, but in the end I just can't speak to the feelings on the other side.

Solution: approach a few of my handy-dandy penis-havin' friends!

And the first thing I learned was that the dudes' reactions to me asking them about blowjobs was, "I'm a fan." Well... okay.

BREAKING NEWS

MEN LIKE BLOWJOBS

HOLY CRAP WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED

Now that you're done being shocked and amazed, now that your entire world has been flipped about, now that you're re-evaluating everything you ever thought you knew... yes, I tried more specific questions. Here's some of my results:

BobGinger: are you available for penis-related questions at this time?
Penis Owner #1: Um. Yes?
Penis Owner #1: What's your query?
BobGinger: it is re: blowjobs
BobGinger: I assume you like them
Penis Owner #1: Yes.
Penis Owner #1: Yes I do.
BobGinger: but I need more information
Penis Owner #1: Okay.
Penis Owner #1: Do you know anywhere that they are giving away free samples?

One of the questions I decided to ask is if guys like beejays as the main event, or only as foreplay.

Penis Owner #2: they are a great precursor to sex. it's rare that a BJ is all I want, unless the girl is amazing at it. and that generally requires two things:
A). A serious desire to give head. Not just doing it because, but really really enjoying it
B). And them being nuts

Penis Owner #3: well that depends
Penis Owner #3: both
BobGinger: depends on what? if she's super amazing at it? or your mood?
Penis Owner #3:  haha well I'm always in the mood! more like if she can't because of the time of month
Penis Owner #3:  then it's good as the whole event

Penis Owner #3 also contributed this: an unexpected bj is one of the great things in life. Like you're just sitting around, eating breakfast... and BANG.

So there you go. Blowjobs? Good stuff. Get on down there, breathe through your nose, keep it wet, don't use your teeth, DO use your hand(s), let your tongue in on the fun, don't forget about the balls, and SWALLOW. There's my advice for you. Go forth and suck it.

An Oral Tradition

As of today, I have been officially single for a year. And a day. As I mentioned in a previous post, I broke up with the last fella I called Boyfriend on the 4th of July, 2010. For some reason, this strange anniversary is making me want to write about something very dear and close to my heart: oral sex.

Let's start with women. I personally adore a man who loves to go downtown. It's a fantastic way to wake up, and it solves the whole morning breath fiasco - if he's kissing those lips, I'm not worried about how my mouth smells/tastes. Guys who try to kiss me in the morning? NO. Even I don't want to be anywhere near my face before I've brushed my teeth, so I certainly don't want anyone else up in there.

But up down there? Yes please!

Here's my concern, though... I have met many ladies who do not want or let their men munch some pink taco. And I have also met men who do not want to do it.

WHAT.

I have many problems with both those scenarios. Let me start, again, with the ladies.

The concerns that I have heard most often from ladies are, "what if I smell/taste bad?" Um. Do you shower on any kind of regular basis? Then you're fine. And if you are the kind of woman who is concerned about if she smells or tastes bad in her nethers, you are probably also the kind of woman who keeps clean, so STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT.

Most men I know who like women also like the smell and taste of women. It's pheromones. Just relax and let him do his thing - trust me, you will both be happy. If you're concerned but daring, go ahead and give him a smooch when he comes back up; see how you taste firsthand. I'm betting you will be delightfully surprised.

Men... the only reason I've ever heard for a man not enjoying giving oral is that he's worried he won't be good at it. Well, guys, how are going to GET good at it? Find a patient woman and tell her you'd like to learn. Just keep your teeth out of it and you'll probably be just fine. Breathe through your nose. Incorporate your fingers. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy her reactions. Tell her she tastes good, in case she's a Concerned Lady - it might help her relax and enjoy the experience, and if she's not a Concerned Lady, she probably likes hearing that anyway.

With all that said, what I really want to know is: what are your favorite euphemisms for going down on a girl? Because I'm just not sure how I feel about "munch a pink taco."

No Glittery Poop Here!

Earlier today I noticed in my stats that I had traffic from Google. The search term that led to me?

"i dont poop glitter"

Whoever you are, can we be friends? Please? I don't poop glitter, either.