Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Yes, ALL Women

It's a trending Twitter topic, and has been for a while now. It's been in the news, and it's stirring up discussions everywhere it pops up.

This is good.

What's bad is that they are real women and real stories, and the need for these discussions exists at all.

Is it really all women? Probably. A lot of it is likely stuff the women around you barely think about anymore, because it's so ingrained. Carrying keys as a weapon, being leered at/catcalled/harassed by strange men on the streets or the bus, wavering uncertainly between being a prude or being slutty (The Breakfast Club, anyone?). If you try to remain pure, innocent, picky... then you are probably not enjoying life enough. You probably don't know what you're doing. You probably just haven't gotten it good yet. If you embrace your sexuality and try to own it, you're a slut. You're desperate. You're dirty and probably diseased and not worth actual love.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

A Normal Conversation... For Us.

Genie: oh and! do you know about demon porn? how about dinosaur porn?

Peanut: dinosaur erotica I've heard of
Peanut: but not demon or dino porn
Peanut: wtf
Peanut: who is sharing these things

Genie: oh yeah. what I said "porn" I meant erotica

Colonel Dr: never dino on dino. It's always dino on girl.
Colonel Dr: We saw it in an article, and I was one step away from buying it to see how bad the human race was...

Genie: how does a dino peen even fit in a person?

Peanut: I dunno, people do it with horses and they're pretty big right?
Peanut: maybe like a velociraptor

Genie: boyfriend's stepmom was telling me about it. she does the voices for books on tape...or cd or whatever and I guess she's being approached by a lot of these dino/demon people
Genie: is it sexy because the dinosaur eats you after you do it?

Peanut: maybe it's the thrill/danger of knowing they might
Peanut: or they could do it with vegetarian dinos, they're probably tender and loving

Colonel Dr: No, it's all about taming the beast.
Colonel Dr: Taking that big T-Rex, and making it worship you with the power of the V
Colonel Dr: I get that

Peanut: is it because you fancy yourself a T-Rex?
Peanut: if a T-Rex came around, would you consent to gay inter-species sex just to tame the beast?

Colonel Dr: I do think of myself as the T-Rex of this office. Maybe the state.
Colonel Dr: But no, no interspecies action for me.

Genie: but it's such a tiny V to a dinosaur. it'd be like me trying to do a mouse
Genie: there's no way my peen is fitting in a mouse

Peanut: did you just confess to having a peen?

Genie: I like to pretend I have a peen. makes me feel powerful

Peanut: sometimes I have dreams where I have one
Peanut: and it's always hilariously huge
Peanut: like, won't fit in pants
Peanut: I could do a dino with that one

Genie: a dino peen would be at least as big as a metro bus
Genie: that shit wont fit in me

Peanut: I think velociraptors are about the same size as a tall person
Peanut: I'd have to watch Jurassic Park again
Peanut: I'm sure it's historically accurate
Peanut: so you could do smaller dinos

Genie: ps - you and I WILL be reading a dino sex book in our future. it's a must

Peanut: dramatic reading, of course
Peanut: we can record that shit and sell it as an audio book

Genie: you can do the dino voices
Genie: actually, Colonel Dr can do the dino voices

Colonel Dr: This sounds like a win win to me. Millions of dollars split between us, and I finally get to show off my dinosaur sounds.

Genie: ...but srsly. I need to read one of these things

Peanut: needs to happen

Genie: I hope I dont get turned on

Peanut: I don't see how any of us won't
Peanut: we'll need to make sure all of us have our partners there so we can take care of things afterward

Genie: everything that's happening right now is amazing!

Peanut: best day

Friday, March 21, 2014

On Friendship and Forgiveness

The other day I was talking to Tumbleweed about the concept of forgiveness, versus cutting people out of your life. Some people are constant forgivers, and some are instant cut-and-run types. I think there has to be a happy medium.

What causes some people to choose one option or the other? She and her sister were raised in the same family, yet they have different approaches. My brother and I were also raised the same way, but he is more forgiving and accepting, and I am more ready to throw my hands up and walk away. I always thought it was because of my military upbringing - we moved so often that I didn't have much of a chance to learn how to develop long-term friendships, the kind that endure plenty of ups and downs and rough patches. But if that's my excuse, why isn't my brother the same way?

Thursday, January 23, 2014


First post of 2014! Yaaaaaay!

I decided to write what I can remember from my past birthdays... because I love birthdays. If I know a co-worker's birthday, it goes on my calendar and I bake them something. It's just not a birthday without baked goods, dammit! The exception is my friend who is gluten/dairy/other-stuff-free, and I'm not brave enough to delve into that world of baking, yet. Luckily she's quite good at it so she makes stuff for herself. :)

But: BIRTHDAYS!! They were always a big deal in my family, so I love them. Not necessarily my own, but everyone else's. This morning I started thinking about past birthdays, and decided I have at least a few that were interesting enough to write about. I'd also love to hear stories of other people's birthday celebrations, so leave those in the comments if you'd like! Unless it involves barfing. I don't like barf stories.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Pet Store-ies!

Apologies for the pun in the title, but in my defense, I didn't come up with it myself. About 432 years ago (give or take), I asked on Facebook what else I should write about here. One of the suggestions was stories from my pet store employment days, and someone responded with that.

I've worked at 2 major chain pet stores in my life. I was at the first chain for about a year and a half in Colorado, and the second chain for about a year in Washington. At the first chain, there was a LOT of drama. Oh dear god the drama. It was like being in middle school, but wearing a uniform covered in various animals' pee and/or poop, and getting a paycheck for your suffering. I was 22-23 when I worked there.

The Operations Manager there was a girl just a little younger than me, who took smoke breaks as often as possible and had a baby with her common-law husband - she complained about him constantly, broke up with him regularly, and I know at least a couple of us suspected him of physically abusing her but she would never admit it. She would still sometimes go to "raves" with another girl who worked there (also a little younger than me, married, 2 kids).

This was the kind of girl I'd heard existed in high schools, but that I don't remember actually knowing personally. She was nice to people, and acted like we were friends. I even had her and her baby over to my home once, and would take smoke breaks with her so we could chat. (I learned quickly in retail that if I wanted to actually take breaks, I had to pretend to be a smoker and bond with my chimney managers.)

Another girl who worked there had Bitch Face. Not Bitchy Resting Face - just Bitch Face. It was rare to get a real smile from her that made her look like for at least that moment she did not, in fact, want to kill you and everyone around you and set your corpses on fire for no reason. There's a theme going here - this girl was also younger than me and had a young child. She and I were both shift managers and "specialists" for different departments. She apparently took this to mean we were in competition for the General Manager's affections. Maybe the Ops Manager thought I was after her job, too, because these two girls had it out for me.

At some point, I thought I'd won over Bitch Face. We hung out outside of work and I made her laugh a few times, and we seemed to be getting along instead of her just glowering at me every time we passed, or snapping if I asked her for any sort of help at work. Progress!


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Being and happiness

Peanut and I had an interesting discussion today that reminded me of something.

Being happy is hard.  I think it takes more energy than being unhappy.  Maybe other people are different, and maybe this is just my Crazy Mom influence, but "happy" is not my natural state of being.  I have to look for reasons to be happy, and I actively argue with myself in my head whenever I feel myself getting upset.  It takes a lot of internal head-discussion to convince myself to let go of something when I'm bothered by it.

I choose to believe that's something that lots of people struggle with.  Don't ruin my delusions.

So Peanut mentioned that it's hard to avoid comparing her situation in life with other people around her.  Let's be honest; most people do the same thing.  But it's fun for everyone when a crazy mom does it!

Some highlights:

If you don't have a house on the beach like your sibling does, it's because your spouse has failed to provide for you!

And if you don't have at least $2,000 of free spending money every month, it means your spouse is cheating on you!  How else would all of the money disappear?

Everyone else in your city drives clean cars!  When your spouse spends all week working in another city and drives back home on the weekends, make sure you start by nagging about how dirty his/her car is!  Remember: it's incredibly thoughtless to pull into your own driveway with a car that hasn't been washed in 2 weeks.

Everyone has cable!  If your own daughter doesn't have cable at her apartment, she's a heathen.  In fact, it's too embarrassing for your own child to not have cable.  You'd better call the cable company yourself and arrange for them to install cable for her, so she will realize the error of her ways.  (To be fair, this one happened before the advent of Netflix.  But still.)

How dare the neighbors bring you packets of hot chocolate at Christmas?  They must not buy anything nicer because they don't have as much money as you do.  It's a good thing you have lots of money, so you can buy the newest electronics every year.

That new TV in the store looks so much better than the one you bought a year ago, and it's bigger!  Better grab it while it's on sale.  It can just sit in the box until you figure out which room it should go in.

Those houses on TV look so nice with their exotic flooring ideas!  That means your house would look great that way, too!  You might as well buy all of those materials now in preparation for doing that yourself.  And a shrimp sink really helped that one place, so it couldn't hurt to pick one up so you'll have it ready when you come up with a good location for it in your own house...

The coup de grĂ¢ce?  Did you know that if your spouse isn't bringing home at least $1,000,000 a year, it must mean he/she's hiding money from you?  Go, tell your significant other about this wonderful new knowledge!  Do it now!

Seriously, though, there is always a reason to be unhappy.  The real trick is figuring out which reasons really matter, and then ignoring the ones that you know you won't remember or care about in 3 months.  In honor of Crazy Mom, let's all take 5 minutes today and think about reasons to be happy.

Friday, October 25, 2013

The List of Insanity

I promised a list!  Everyone here loves lists, right?  Good!

But there's really only one list that I'm capable of writing.

I want to make this clear: none of these points make anyone a bad person.  But they do mean you (or your loved one) should seek advice from a trustworthy professional.  Remember: it's okay to not be normal.  Just be aware of that fine line between "eccentric" and "batshit crazy."

Signs that you (or someone you know) might be crazy:
  1. Your house is in a decent neighborhood, but there's wax paper over all of the windows "so no one can see in"
  2. Your house is covered in security cameras
  3. You never leave your house (and you have a new excuse whenever anyone asks)
  4. You crouch down in your car if you do leave your house, "so no one will notice"
  5. You're always afraid of something
  6. The Enemy (the culprit behind all of your unhappiness) changes on a weekly basis
  7. You have proof that The Enemy exists: it's a grainy, pitch black image taken by a cheap security camera at night
  8. Those dirty smears on the skylight (which hasn't been cleaned in years) are actually threatening messages written by The Enemy, but no one believes you
  9. The police "never do anything" with your police reports (which means they must be in league with The Enemy)
  10. The Enemy is "pure evil"
  11. You never get rid of anything (and you say you're "about to start going through it" if anyone asks)
  12. You use an old SUV that can't move anymore as a large trash container
  13. You always think that if someone asks for one thing, they actually need a box of those things
  14. Your house is full of things you don't need and don't have a place for
  15. You keep buying more things because it makes you feel better
  16. As soon as anything goes missing, even inside your house, you immediately think it was stolen
  17. You use a shovel to scoop your cat's litter box
  18. You keep a plastic bin full of cat hair that you brushed off of a cat you had five years ago
  19. Family and friends watch the news/hoarding shows expecting to see you on TV
  20. The cat puke on the rug has been there for five years
  21. You think you're the only person who can stop The Enemy/catch the thieves/save the kittens
  22. You believe no one will take you seriously unless you exaggerate things a little bit (but it's not the same as lying, because you'd never lie)
  23. You're capable of justifying anything that you say or do, because you'd never say or do anything wrong
  24. When your family brings up the possibility of therapy or something being wrong, you get defensive and claim they need therapy
  25. You are the unhappiest person you know
If you want to hear more about any of those points in particular, just leave a comment.  Otherwise, I'll start going through stories as I see fit.  Mwahahahahah!