Friday, June 17, 2011

Blame the rapist, not the victim

This weekend in Seattle, there is SO MUCH TO DO. I have to pick and choose what I'm participating in, which makes me sad.

There's the Best of SIFF 2011 (I will be missing most of this due to all the other stuff) ... the Solstice Parade (which I've already mentioned I am participating in) ... the Fremont Fair (at which I am volunteering) ... the puppy parade (I'm gonna have to miss this one, woe is me!) ... the SlutWalk ... and so much more.

What I want to write about today is SlutWalk, because saying that I am going to that keeps causing quizzical looks. The word "slut" has a negative connotation, and people can't figure out why I'm going to go strutting around in a walk full of them.

So let me (try to) explain.

I cannot and will not speak for the organizers or the other participants; I can only say how I'm perceiving this, and why I'm determined to be a part of this event.

1. The word "slut" should not be an insult. If a man is promiscuous, he's a "stud" and it's seen as an accomplishment. So why is the female counterpart a negative thing? Who the hell are you guys sleeping with if we women are supposed to be staying pure and virginal? And how the hell do you expect us to get GOOD at it if we don't practice?? Duh.

Women should be just as free as men to be as sexually liberated (or as chaste) as they choose. The way I see it is this: be a slut. Explore your sexuality and your desires. But BE SAFE. Birth control, condoms, not running off into alleys with strangers, that sort of thing.

I don't believe that women should have to hold back in order to impress a man. If I am dating someone (or even not dating him, for that matter) and I feel like jumping his bones and he's into it, why should I have to wait until the 3rd or 5th date or whatever arbitrary number it is that so many women seem to believe is the one that says "I AM A GOOD PERSON, SEE HOW LONG I WAITED"? I don't want to wait. First of all, why should I deny myself that pleasure? And second, why would I want to get emotionally invested if it turns out we actually have zero sexual chemistry?

2. As I understand it, this whole event spun out from some cop's comment that a woman who was raped "deserved it." This is all too common - "she was asking for it." My above comment about being safe? If you aren't, and it happens, and you are raped? IT'S STILL NOT YOUR FAULT. Here's the thing... (oh man, a list within a list? A SUB LIST?? I am so excited right now to be doing this you have no idea)
  1. If you do not consent to sex, nobody gets to do sex to you. (it's not having sex if you aren't consenting)
  2. You made a poor decision and went home with a guy you just met. This does not mean he gets to do sex to you if you say you don't want to have sex. If he does, that is rape.
  3. You slept with this guy before. You decide you do not want to have sex with him again, or at least not right now. He insists. You say no. He does sex to you anyway. That is rape.
  4. You're drunk out of your mind and can't even spell your own name, much less consent to sex. He knows this, and uses it to his advantage to do sex to you without resistance. That is rape.
I could go on. The point is: rape is not always violent, it is not always done by a stranger, and it is not always what people think of when they think of Rape.

Just because I'm wearing something revealing does not mean you get to put your penis in me. Tomorrow I will be riding around town wearing nothing but paint, panties, and a bicycle helmet - you do not get to put your penis in me.

3. I had slept with a certain guy previously. I was back at his place again, we'd already bonked a little bit, but then we stopped. I realized he was kind of a dickweed, and I didn't want to do him again. I wanted to go home. He knew this - I told him: "I'm going to go now." He wheedled, I declined. He did it anyway. I was crying, I was putting my hands between my legs (which he pushed out of the way repeatedly), I was saying no. It took me no less than 2 weeks to realize I was raped. Afterward, he let me get dressed, walked me to my car. I called him an asshole, he laughed. We never spoke again. I have to tell myself over and over that despite the fact that I barely knew this guy, despite being at his home in the middle of the night, despite having slept with him previously... it was not my fault. None of those things are invitations to put your goddamn weenie into me if I am saying NO.

4. I've seen pictures of this event from other cities that have already done it. Many women are wearing baggy jeans, old shapeless t-shirts... and holding signs that say, "this is what I was wearing when I was raped." It's eye-opening. Men are marching as well. Men are just as susceptible to being victims as women; in addition, it's amazing to see the number of men who are participating in order to say, "I'm a man, and I'm not okay with what's happening." These are the men who would tell their buddy, "don't take her home, man, she's too drunk, she doesn't know what she's doing." The men who want women to know that we can feel safe with them. That they do not in any way condone non-consensual sex.

So why am I participating? Because I say it's fucking a-okay to be a slut. To be a sexually aware, liberated, open-minded woman. It's okay to own that. I'm a slut. I have slept with a lot of men (and some women), and I have enjoyed the hell out of most of it. And no-fucking-body gets to put their man-junk (or anything else!) in my lovely bits unless EXPLICITLY INVITED. 

I'm going to walk the streets of Seattle and say, stop blaming the victims. Does my existing give someone the right to murder me?


  1. I honestly don't understand what guys get out of sex with an unwilling partner. Isn't the entire point of sex to make your partner feel good?

  2. It seems like rape is an all to common thing. Pretty crazy.

  3. Thank you for this post. Seriously, thank you.