Teaser

Peanut: I drew a bunny on a midget.

Genie: I'm going to need more info

Peanut: nah, I thought I'd just leave it like that.

I brought this on myself

As I mentioned recently, I've reactivated my OKC account. I'm still using it for people watching - not sending messages, not responding to messages. I even changed my profile so that it's completely ridiculous, just to have fun with it. I figured I'd get some really funny guys in with the super creepos that I am now pretty much inviting to my inbox.

Basically I rambled about the game Draw Something and how my friends and I draw penises in almost every round and how I find that completely hilarious. At another point, I talk about pooping. It's just me being as outlandish as I am, and not giving a shit if anyone cares to try to flirt with me because again: no dating for Peanut.

Not surprisingly, I'm getting some interesting messages.

"You're a weirdass motherfucker. Interesting though. Good job ;o"

"What is a Golem penis? This seems like crucial information I should know, as my people did invent the Golem." (oh... um... so I know the character in LotR is spelled "Gollum," but my friend was drawing "Golem" for me and either didn't know the difference or just thought this would be easier to guess/draw, so he drew a penis Gollum. the word was Golem. So on my profile I probably should have spelled it right, but in my defense I filled out the new profile while stoned. Either way. Points to me for confusing someone, I guess.)

Several messages saying how I'm really funny/hilarious and then attempting to join in on the humor by saying something about penises, poop, or boobs, but not actually managing to be funny at all. One guy sent me a long joke about old guys and technology that ended with one of the old dudes walking around with toilet paper hanging out of his ass, so that was at least effort, but mostly just weird because the first 2 old guys had phones embedded in their flesh so, you know... WHAT.

"Your profile cracked me up! Doing stand up yet?" Yep. It's all about peens. And I sit down while I do it. Because I'm pooping.

"Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello!!! .... A lot of people often comment that by just sending that to someone isn't enough to catch attention warranting a response. Obviously my ingenius fix to this is to type it six times instead of once. Hello!"

And then I got 2 in a row asking me if penis size matters. Even stranger: both guys who sent me messages asking that are from Las Vegas, and one of them has now deleted his profile. OKC TROLLS! I have opened my virtual door to them, I suppose.

Desk: Redux. Redexsk?

That's hard to say... redex-sk. But fun!

Right, so. A while back - I think a few months now, but I'm not sure - Desk was back at my office, building more desks with his company. I honestly didn't know they were here and went up to talk to the receptionist about something, and saw him. Almost didn't recognize him because he was wearing a hat and had grown quite the face full of beard, but he waved and smiled sort of shyly at me and it clicked.

The weird part is how long it took me to realize it was the insane amounts of facial hair that made me not recognize him, not the hat. He was very clean-shaven when we dated, and now he was a fuckin' mountain man, but yeah... that ballcap REALLY changes everything.

Later that night, or maybe the next, I was at the grocery store. I was feeling a little... lonely? nostalgic? forgiving? All those things, I suppose. So I sent him a text asking if he'd like to grab a drink sometime and catch up. I honestly didn't have any ulterior motives - as amazing as we were in bed together, I didn't want to go back to that. Especially not with the mountain-man-thing going on. Oh, yeah, and the whole really awful email thing, too.

Anyway, he texted back saying he was pleasantly surprised by my offer, but that he was planning to move to Portland in just a couple of weeks, so was a bit overwhelmed with planning and packing and such. We text-chatted a little back and forth that evening, and that was it.

Until yesterday.

I came home to a coconut

I don't think I wrote about it here, but back in February, I got a delivery of flowers at the office. There was a lovely note attached, reading:

Happy Valentine's Day!
[Peanut], you are a super lovely, super geeky, super sexy and an absolutely bad-ass one-of-a-kind girl!!!
I hope these flowers will bring at least a little of the happiness and sunshine into your day that you brought into my life.
From, Your Secret Admirer

 I'll admit, my first reaction was anger. I'd told my boss the day before that if anyone tried to treat this day as anything other than a regular Tuesday, I was going home. I knew these were pity flowers. Some friend of mine felt bad for poor, single, lonely me on this stupid over-hyped couples-centric day, and thought this would make me feel better. I even accused my boss, because he is regularly trying to bolster my confidence and self-esteem (to no avail, but I guess it's nice he tries). He denied it up, down, and sideways, and finally I was pretty sure I believed him.

My list of suspects was pretty short - I'm not close to many people. And I was totally baffled until I realized I've listed my workplace on Facebook, and anyone with half a brain cell could easily look up the address. I finally had one girl at the top of my suspects list, a girl who is sweet and thoughtful and always trying to cheer people up. Feeling ashamed of my earlier anger, and grateful that anyone cared about me enough to think of trying to cheer me up, I sent her a message saying if it was her, thank you. She neither confirmed nor denied, but I went on with my life thinking I'd figured it out. As another friend said cryptically on Facebook, "the exclamation points give it away."

Then, last Friday, which was Friday the 13th if that matters, I got a coconut.

Who Am I??

Recently, I did pretty much the most un-me-like thing ever.

I met a cute, funny, smart guy... and when he walked me home...

...I did nothing.

I volunteered at a neighborhood beer tasting event, and toward the end of the shift, my friend had to rush off to some other events. That left me to drink at this event alone. There weren't a lot of cider options, what with this being a beer tasting event, so after a couple of visits to each, I felt pretty tipsy and bored. I decided the night was still young, so I wandered over to my usual bar.

Normally, this bar isn't too crowded, but this Saturday night it was pretty packed. So much for my idea of sitting at the bar, chatting with the ladies on shift. Walking up to order, I saw one of the awesome-but-no-spark guys that I'd been on a few dates with earlier this year. He was with a girl, and though we've remained friendly, I just couldn't abide the idea of skulking around the bar alone, looking friendless, while this guy was here on a date.

This part of the story is typical me, so I guess I'm not totally broken. I spotted a couple of attractive guys standing in the corner chatting, and I walked up to them and put my drink on their table. "Hi, my friend left me so I'm drinking alone and there's a guy over there that I used to date so I don't want to look like a loser so will you guys be my friends?"

Guys: *blink blink*

One of them (the one I thought was cuter) said, "Wait... so... you're not dating him anymore, right?"

Me: "Noooo."

Him: *looks around* "There's a table over there. Let's grab it."

For the next couple of hours, these guys totally entertained me. There were bear jokes, Latvian jokes, stories and good times. They were just really great guys. Super nice, friendly, funny, smart. After a while, we all wandered outside. D was driving home, and Josh (the cute one and yes that's his real name) geared up and unlocked his bike. Then he said to me, "you said you live up the hill, right? I'll walk you home."

So he walked his bike and me up the hill. He said he's applying to grad school for English Lit, and I learned that fishermen (yeah, he's one) hate loggers, and just in general it was completely pleasant. I was a bit hoarse from being sick and coughing a lot the previous week, and having to practically yell at the bar for over 2 hours (holy crap that bar is so fucking loud). Add to that, my apartment was messy, he had his bike, and I hadn't shaved my legs or done any landscaping recently, and you've got reasons for even me to not invite a guy up.

There we are, standing at the corner outside my apartment building, laughing about loggers and joking about how scary I am, and I... panicked, I guess. I knew I wasn't inviting him up, but for some reason it didn't enter my fairly drunk and clearly stupid brain to say "hey, let's hang out again!" Nope. I said, "Welp, thanks for letting me hang out with you guys. Ride safe!" and I kind of bapped his bicycle seat with my rolled up volunteer t-shirt. Then I turned and went up the stairs to my apartment.

Ride safe. *bap*

RIDE SAFE.

*bap*

Seriously?? If I had said "That was fun now go away" I couldn't have more clearly given this guy exactly the opposite impression about what I wanted from him. THIS IS SO NOT ME.

I assessed what I knew: Josh. Fisherman. In the off-season, he does... something... at UW. I think. The fact that I can't remember what he does there makes me doubt my memory of that statement at all. I'm 85% sure he works there when he's not in Alaska, though. Doing... you know... something. I know the neighborhood he lives in, and I know he has a bike. None of that is even remotely enough to even find the guy on Facebook.

Oh, and he can lick his own elbow. Go ahead, try it. You know you want to. And I bet you won't even get close. And no, that's still not helpful.

Clearly I'm the victim of a case of body-snatching. That is the only explanation I can come up with for acting this way. You don't even have to know me for very long to know that this is not normal behavior for me! AUGH. 2012, you are just really not being nice to me in the boy department! What have I done? What can I do to appease you, 2012??

By the way... if by some weird chance someone reading this knows or thinks they might know this guy... for the love of [insert something you love the mostest here], DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT THIS OH GOD I WOULD HATE YOU SO MUCH.

PS thanks to all my friends who have listened to me obsess and indulged me this last week or so about The Fisherman. I promise I'm giving up on ever seeing him again and I will find something new to obsess about any minute... (giving this post the "stalker" label because I might have maybe gone back to the bar a few times hoping he'd be there again, so I was a little bit of a stalker. Then I realized I really don't like drinking that much and I was being dumb, so I stopped. But still. Gotta be honest.)