Wednesday, February 15, 2012


I'm pretty sure at this point, I have maybe one or two readers, so I'm going to continue to post for myself all willy-nilly. Today I'm digging through my old poems again, and came across two Firsts:

-First time I admitted to myself that I am bisexual (although it's clear from the poem that I was still resisting a little)
-First time I admitted to myself that I was seriously depressed

I'm posting the second one here; maybe I'll do the other one later.

Background: I've been dealing with depression and serious self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember. I'm not even kidding; I recall being self-conscious and self-loathing as far back as my single-digit years. This poem was written either in late high school or early college... I know because it was put into my college literary-art magazine in 1998, which would have been my freshman year.

I wrote this at home, at my kitchen table. I'd been making macaroni and cheese (shout out to Kraft!), and was sullenly watching the water boil. Back then, I wouldn't so much write poems and they would write themselves in my head, and I would dutifully commit them to paper. My brain doesn't really do that anymore, which is kind of sad.


here is the depressing suicidal poem that I wrote. I'm not including the title because I "cleverly" titled it my own first name (on the off chance anyone reading this doesn't actually know me, I go by my middle name, so it was a semi-sneaky way of saying HEY THIS IS ABOUT ME OKAY).

the coarse dark waves
forced roughly over her pale smooth skin
filled with treacherous wrath.
They say it's like going to sleep.
she was so tired.
her eyes closed slowly
 redly veiling the inky dark blueness
as it rapidly blackened.
she opened her mouth
breathing in death as easily as life.
it tasted so awful.
her eyes flew open and were immediately violated
    by salty frustration.
 she was making the choice.
 the decision was snatched away
as her mind overturned and she struggled
  to go back.
I want to go back!
and midnight fell firmly about her.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Average Day

Just another regular run-of-the-mill workday conversation for me.

Peanut: been there, done that

T-Pants: if you say so...
T-Pants: :)

Peanut: puh-lease. what haven't I done, T-Pants? what HAVEN'T I done?

T-Pants: hmm
T-Pants: I can't think of anything
T-Pants: just people
T-Pants: and perhaps places

Peanut: haha
Peanut: yep
Peanut: oh and animals
Peanut: I have never done an animal
Peanut: and never will

T-Pants: !

Peanut: because: ew

T-Pants: amen

Peanut: I'm sorry but I must draw the line somewhere
Peanut: and it is at fur

T-Pants: :)

Peanut: actually, having been friends with a polyamorous kinky person who worked at a sex toy shop, I've learned that there is a TON of stuff I haven't done
Peanut: but I am okay with all of that

T-Pants: hahaha

Peanut: I don't know about you but I don't feel any particular drive to try out a butt plug

T-Pants: Some people love em

Peanut: and that is fine for them
Peanut: I don't feel my butt needs plugging though
Peanut: that's along the same lines as how I don't like when the dude sticks his finger up there

T-Pants: yeah
T-Pants: I feel like a girl really has to ask me to do that
T-Pants: Peanut
T-Pants: here I am
T-Pants: trying to program
T-Pants: trying to drag this project across the line
T-Pants: and now I am thinking about butt plugs and sexy times

Peanut: hooray! I have done my job.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Sexual Harassment

Peanut: apparently i got a decent enough grasp on the last thing they threw at me, so today i get something new  
Peanut: and  
Peanut: my trainer is the guy i slept with a year and a half ago  
Peanut: so it's always awkward when we have to work together

Mrs. H: oh boy  
Mrs. H: well  
Mrs. H: good luck with that  

Peanut: and it takes all my self control not to blurt out "hey remember that time you saw my boobs??"  
Peanut: bc i think it would be hilarious
Peanut: but no  
Peanut: must work  
Peanut: and be professionalish 

Mrs. H: Focus on the Robo-bobcats  
Mrs. H: and work  

Peanut: but his reaction would be AMAZING
Peanut: he would collapse into a puddle of awkward embarrassed goooooo  

Mrs. H: haha  
Mrs. H: resist the temptation  

Peanut: and i'd poke him and sing "iiiiii saw you naaaaaaked, iiiiiiiii saw you naaaaaaaaaked"
Peanut: not a good idea?  

Mrs. H: Well, sure it would be hilarious  
Mrs. H: but the harassment suit would be over so fast  
Mrs. H: and you aren't rich - they'd take your cat  

Peanut: we are in the midst of company-wide sexual harassment training  
Peanut: so it's probably poor timing
Peanut: I knew I should've done it when I first got promoted to this team  
Peanut: or!  
Peanut: i could say i did it as a skit
Peanut: What Not To Do  
Peanut: it's part of the training!  
Peanut: 1. don't sleep with coworkers, 2. don't tease them about it later  

Mrs. H: while Goo Boy just lays there in a puddle of awkwardness  

Peanut: he's shy already so it's possible he'd explode outright  
Peanut: and then who would be left to sue me?  

Mrs. H: his family?
Mrs. H: and they would probably get extra  

Peanut: pfft  

Mrs. H: "Embarrassment induced explosion" is likely to get the sympathy of the jury