Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Kickin it Old School

I have a treat for you! Okay, either a treat or torture, depending on your viewpoint, but either way: yay stuff!

There was a hacking incident at my real website's host, and I had to change my FTP password. When I logged into the FTP to test it, I realized I hadn't looked at this shit in years. Guys! Guys! My old poetry is still on there! That's right, poetry from high school and college. Stuff that was published (in the school literary art magazines BUT STILL).

So what I want to do is share some of those, and tell the stories behind them! Woo! Are you super excited? ARE YOU? Because I can promise you that I was SUUUUUUUUper emo back then. I mean, I still am, but back then I was all HERE IS MY EMOTION ON PAPER FOR ALL TO SEEEEEE and then I would run and hide and act like I didn't have anything to do with it once someone was actually reading it. But man... I felt shit. DEEP.

BAM. Poem number one is a gem that I wrote my senior year of high school, which was published in the college lit-art mag my freshman year (1998, oh god I feel old).

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Chin Up, Old Chap!

I just wanted to do a quick post since my last one was so dark and dreary and pathetic and all those other sad adjectives. Work's been rough lately, the weather's been miserable, and little things just really take their toll on me sometimes. Saying I accept I may never have a real relationship again is one thing; really accepting it in both mind and heart is another altogether. Everything combined just led me to a really ridiculously shitty couple of days.

The good news is that the more I accept things, the less miserable I am. At this point, I've accepted my current situation as a fun, casual something-or-other, and I will just have to keep trying to learn more at work so it won't be so difficult. I can't do a damn thing about the weather, sadly, but winter always treats me like its little bitch, so I should be used to it by now!

In other news, can we please talk about pheromones? Do you ever kiss someone because you like being around him/her and you think there should probably be Something there, even though you don't feel any sexual tension when you're hanging out? It's a mad disappointment. Really nice, attractive, hilarious, easy to talk to, easy to be with, great date planner, sweet, attentive, totally into me, smart... but I just didn't feel any need to be touching him. We kissed, and it just felt like lips smooshing lips. I could smell his face and that just made it even weirder. He wasn't a bad kisser, but I may as well have been making out with my own hand for all I felt. Telling someone who is in every other way totally awesome that you simply don't feel a spark is SO. AWKWARD. And trust me, trying to continue dating someone that you've realized you have no interest even kissing, not to mention humping, is awful.

Why doesn't this happen in the movies? In the movies, the first kiss scene almost always cuts to a bed scene, either steamy or post-steamy. No matter the circumstances of the two parties getting together, there's never a weird "Oh. Huh. So turns out there's no spark. Sorry" moment following the first kiss. It's always fireworks and pounding hearts and pulsing sexy parts for both people.

Why do some people make your loins tingle even if you're just thinking about them, even if they're probably wrong for you in most other ways? Why do these mysterious little scientific bits called pheromones have so much power over us? Is that what settling means? Settling for someone who is good in every other way, but just doesn't get your passions roaring? Is it selfish of me to want it all?

Things I'm accepting: it is entirely possible I will not ever be in a real, loving relationship again in my life. This is a truth for a lot of people, and I may be one of them. I realize 32 isn't exactly old maid spinster cutoff age, but I feel like if I just go ahead and accept the possibility this may be my life, it will much easier to deal with getting there. Already it has helped me calm down about my current dating situation, and be okay with a very casual situation that is not likely to lead to anything serious, ever. Why can't I just have some fun and occasional companionship along the way? Even if it does mean sometimes having awkward conversations about missing chemistry... when the chemistry is in my favor, I'm gonna enjoy it. Something inside me decided sometime in the last year that I really wanted a relationship, something real, something lasting, etc etc. But you know what, sometimes you just gotta tell your own self to shut it.

Now go forth, and spend entirely too long thinking about the mechanics of kissing, because holy shit guys that is a REALLY weird thing to be doing with your mouth, especially without any sexy stirrings to go along with it.

Friday, January 20, 2012

A Summary

I keep wanting to post something funny, or meaningful, or at least sort of entertaining, but the only thing rolling around my head is "everything hurts." I want to express myself, put what I'm feeling into words, give this monster a face so I can fight it, but again: all I seem to be able to say is "everything hurts." I'm like a 4 year old unable to stop crying and point out the owies after tumbling ass-over-ears down a rocky hillside for what feels like years. What hurts? Your tummy? Your knee? Your head? Everything. Everything hurts.

Yep, that awful depression from October has swung back by. I don't want to see people, I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to do a damn thing. All my energy is being used up trying to avoid thoughts of ... well, that bad dark stuff that nobody is supposed to talk about but that everyone who has ever suffered from genuine depression is all too familiar with. My only comfort at the moment is that I know I'm strong enough to keep fighting that off until this passes. The downside is that I'm slowly losing the strength to do anything but that.

These snow/ice days keeping me from making it in to the office have been a blessing for me. And now a weekend with no plans looms, and I couldn't be more relieved. Feeling like a total failure at pretty much every single aspect of life is exhausting, and if there's one thing I know I can succeed at, it's wasting a whole lot of time without ever leaving my home. Weekend? Let's succeed at THAT.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Texts From Last Night: My Version

Pretty high, pretty drunk. Decided to text with Hedgehog.

Me: I an clearly not relationship potential & that's not gonna change so I give up  
Me: Am  
Me: I still see typos  

Hedgehog: Of course you see typos. You're you.  

Me: Up  
Me: I give
Me: On things  
Me: It's sprinkling on my phone  

Hedgehog: Booooo. Don't. Giving up is a horrible idea.  

Me: Sprinkle sprinkle  
Me: Giving! Up ¡  

Hedgehog: ???  

Me: $pr1nk73
Me: I want a cheeseburger  

Hedgehog: You are really fucked up, aren't you? :)  

Me: I an walking home & finding it funny  
Me: Am  
Me: And funding my reality funny  
Me: Single forever? That's hilarious!!
Me: Raaaaaaain on my phone? SO FUNNY  

Hedgehog: Hee  
Hedgehog: Yeah, I laugh every day  

Me: The weird SPRINLE
Me: Hsaaaaaa  

Hedgehog: Wow.

Me: Sprinkle!!! Am I sucky? Okay. I meant "right" but that one is toooo funny to fix.
Me: Laughing so hard am cryin fc  

Hedgehog: True. I'm saving all these, so you know.

Me: Weird. Sprinle.  
Me: Heeeeeee

And then I got home and passed out pretty much immediately.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Maze Theory

Something is bugging me, and I'm bugging my friends. Solution? Blog about it! Get it out of my head and onto the interwebz and hope that lets my brain calm down (being an obsessive type is pretty exhausting) and move on and not fuck me over.

I'm going to paint you a picture. If a picture is worth a thousand words, does that mean it's going to take me a thousand words to describe this? Jeez, I hope not.

Have you seen Labyrinth? If not, you should probably just stop reading right now and go watch it, because WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? If you are old enough to be reading this blog, you are old enough to have Labyrinth be part of your required childhood movie-watching curriculum! I mean, COME ON. You totally get to see David Bowie's junk (through spandex), and it's sort of amazing. Plus there are bits of the movie (not THOSE bits) that are completely terrifying to a young child and they just don't do that to kids anymore (seriously, remember The Dark Crystal? Holy fuck).

Okay, you've seen the movie now? You're ready? The whole premise of the movie - and if you're lazy or stubborn and still haven't seen it, don't worry, I'm pretty sure this is not a spoiler - is that a young girl is trapped in a giant maze. It's been a while, but I remember it being made largely of huge hedges. This is important. This is the picture I want you to have in your head: a massive maze made of huge hedges. (Let's take a second to appreciate that alliteration.)

Monday, January 9, 2012

Vaginal Party Tricks

Aussie: I've seen things Peanut..... in Thailand
Aussie: scary things

Peanut: ooo tell me tell me

Genie: !!!
Genie: what kinds of things

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

2011: Sex, Dating, and Still Single

Early January is the time when bloggers do their "year in review" sorts of posts. Considering the core nature of my blog, I figured I'd do a sex/dating year in review. ARE YOU SHOCKED?

Let's see... I rang in 2011 at my usual bar, with a guy I barely knew and his cousins. I think one of the cousins was flirting with me a little, and I made a point of tooting my paper horn at midnight so he wouldn't get any kissy-face ideas. It's been a few years now since I've had someone with whom to share that traditional midnight smooch, and the last guy barely counts because it turns out he'd already mentally and emotionally checked out of our relationship by that time.

Somewhere in late-ish January, I went to the opening of a new bar in my 'hood, and made friends with a cutie patootie sitting by me. Once again, I know, you're SHOCKED. He walked me home that night, and we started hanging out. We also texted a little and even talked on the phone (okay, now you might actually be shocked without the sarcasm, because I? I hate talking on the phone). Genie and I called him "Iron Man" because he biked everywhere and played soccer, and had thighs of adamantium (he and I discussed it... they were not thighs of steel, no... they were much cooler). We had loads of fun together and I really liked him and he seemed to quite like me as well... except... he's number 7. He really was a busy dude, what with 2 jobs, soccer, and partial custody of his toddler son, but come ON. Even after he lost one job and stopped playing soccer, still no time? After a while, I got fed up and stopped responding to his late-night texts, which I'd realized were booty calls, and things petered out.

Hee. Peter.

We've IM'ed a few times since then as friends, but have not seen each other since before my vacation in March. Iron Man is an okay guy, just young and confused and all wrong for me.