Monday, October 31, 2011

Tis the Season

if i've been around you lately and haven't seemed excited about that, don't take it personally. all my life i've had bouts of depression, and i'm currently in one. my apartment is a mess and i can't seem to care enough to do anything about it, which is unusual for me. the only thing that interests me is sleeping.

this is just a thing i go through sometimes. i don't mind seeing people, but i don't necessarily want to talk, unless it's you talking about your life. the questions "how are you" or "what have you been up to" make me cringe.

what a craptastic time of year to feel this way, though. my birthday, halloween, parties and candy and happy people everywhere. and i'm just a lump.


Saturday, October 29, 2011

Things I've Learned

Good Ideas:

1. Having a pet.
2. Investing in a comfy couch.
3. Getting your own place.

Bad Ideas:

1. Taking laxatives. Especially more than one. Ever.
2. Going to a party where the majority of attendees have been of legal drinking age for less than 5 years. Especially if there's beer pong. There will be puking.
3. Having your home 50% or more filled with pets.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Nothing Sexy Here

I just explained to a coworker the proper way to consume M&Ms, so I figured I'd lay some knowledge down for you guys as well. It's like one of those logic puzzles from elementary school, but a super easy one. Also, yes, this is how I really eat M&Ms, every single time. I cannot eat them in the dark (nor Skittles, although the rules for those are slightly different. ....don't judge me).

1. You must eat M&Ms in pairs.

2. Every pair must be 2 different colored M&Ms.

3. Every pair must include one "male" color and one "female" color. That is the gender of the color itself, not the gender for which that color applies (like the idiot notion that GI Joes are "boy" toys and Easy Bake Ovens are "girl" toys. No, these colors ARE male and female, in my mind).*

4. When you find yourself nearing the end of your M&M supply, you must dump out and pre-organize all remaining M&Ms to ensure you will be able to meet the requirements with the remaining candy.

5. M&Ms unable to meet requirements should be pawned off on friends or coworkers.

*This rule, it should be noted, is not strictly followed at all times in adulthood. As a child, yes, but now I'm much more relaxed. If toward the end of the bag I find my candy doesn't work out this way, I am perfectly content to allow "gay" coupled M&Ms.** Often I also allow this if I'm simply distracted, but rule #2 always always always applies.

**This should not in any way be read as a reflection of my views on homosexuality in general. The male/female colors thing is a holdover from childhood that will probably never go away. For the record, I'm pro-gay marriage, etc. That shouldn't even need to be said, considering I'm bisexual myself, but I really don't need my weird food issues to be interpreted by some pop psychology babble that will inevitably make me the bad guy. I JUST EAT CANDY WEIRD OKAY.

Reference material:

"Male" colors: blue, green, brown
"Female" colors: red, yellow, orange

Monday, October 24, 2011

How To Get A Job

Peanut: at my friends' housewarming, a neighbor's chicken wandered into their backyard
Peanut: next thing you know, I'm off the deck, crouched in the dirt, holding out a hand going "heeeeeeere chicken chicken... heeeey, chicken..."
Peanut: it got REALLY close to me too, so it clearly worked

Mrs H: of course. I have no doubt that you have a previously undiscovered talent for chicken-whispering

Peanut: absolutely. the chickens in the park next to my office like me
Peanut: and some other friends have a chicken that wasn't "all that friendly" when I met it (the other ones were like lap chickens), but it snuggled up to my side and just kinda hung out there
Peanut: like, "look. I have a rep to maintain. So I will sit here and you can pet me, but I won't LOOK at you."

Mrs H: haha of course
Mrs H: I feel like the next time you are looking for a job, just slip "Gets along really well with even unfriendly chickens" under "Accomplishments"
Mrs H: I'm pretty sure any place worth working at will hire you as soon as they see that

Peanut: agreed

Mrs H: I'm full of useful tips

Peanut: you really are!
Peanut: also, you know that question about your weaknesses that they always ask even though it's stupid?

Friday, October 21, 2011


FB = Fuck Buddy
FWB = Friends with Benefits

They seem to be basically the same thing, right? Someone with whom you have fun sexy times, but without the strings of a relationship/commitment. I think they're different.

"Buddy" is like a level of friendship. One can be a buddy but not a friend; however, one cannot be a friend without also being a buddy. If you're bored and want to go see a movie, you call up a buddy OR a friend. If you're going through a rough breakup and you just want to pour your heart out and cry, you call up a friend.

I feel I've had both in the past. The Fuck Buddy is one I simply cannot stand anymore. I've had this, and it worked on a weird level. We only saw each other every few months or so at the bar; sometimes we'd go home together, sometimes we wouldn't... it was what it was. We're still buddies and always have a smile and a hug (sometimes a bit of smoochin) when we run into each other, but there's not any plans made or communication otherwise - we aren't even Facebook Friends.

I want someone I can hang out and talk to before/after. Someone I can have an actual conversation with, and on topics covering much more than just favorite positions. Someone I can hang out with sometimes and not have sex, and that's okay. That's the Friend with Benefits: sometimes you have sex, sometimes you don't, but always, you're friends.

It's a fine line, and a frustrating one. I recently came to a Friends with Benes agreement with someone, but I feel like the more we F, the less we're F.


My birthday was this last week, and on the day I received an email from OKCupid: "Happy birthday! Are you still single?" ...yep. I appreciate the reminder on this special day!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Just... WHAT?

Got a message on OKCupid tonight.  

So I have decide you are the coolest person I have seen on here in the last day. I am... TOTALLY... going to steal you... put you on the magic carpet, so we can fly... ALL THE WAY... to Italy, and chase Kangaroos. There aren't even any Kangaroos in Italy... BUT-in my world there is.

I can't even make any witty remarks to make this better. THIS IS GOLD, PEOPLE.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Bad Bottling

I'm a bottler. For some reason, all my life, I've kept my emotions to myself. I'm strong and independent and I don't need anyone and I don't need feelings and I CAN DO IT!

Once in kindergarten, I decided to get off the school bus at the stop before my regular one and walk. Why? Because I wanted to be adventurous and independent! I was a big girl! (I was not.) The problem is that I have always been geographically challenged, and at the age of 4 it was even worse. I had no idea which stop would be the one before mine, and having decided this whole thing spontaneously, I certainly hadn't been paying attention and plotting and planning. I was wingin' it, baby!

I picked a stop that felt close to home. I exited the bus, tremulous with fear and excitement (knowing myself, I probably was literally trembling. I do that when I'm nervous, and it's REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.), and stared out at the expanse of strange sidewalk ahead. ...nothing looked familiar. Oops.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Wrap-up: Transcendent Power, Desk, Penes

In other words, business as usual around here.

BobGinger: working with dudes = nobody notices when you dye your hair  
hussyred: I KNOW  
hussyred: men are dumb  
BobGinger: in a week or so, one or two of them will be all "...did you change your hair?"  
BobGinger: if I go upstairs where there are women, women who only see me like twice a month, THEY will notice.  
hussyred: of course  
hussyred: the power stems from our lady parts  
BobGinger: i wonder if surgically created lady parts work
BobGinger: i mean, generally if you are having a vagina surgically put into your body, it's bc you figure you're a girl on the inside anyway  
BobGinger: so maybe the power is there...  
hussyred: true  
hussyred: the power transends the vagina

Re: Desk, I've decided there are enough damn olive branches out there and I can just hang on to mine. A friend of mine pointed out that physical chemistry means nothing if the relationship is otherwise toxic, and she's right. I'd already given it a lot of thought, and I replied to his email:

I just wanted to say that I appreciate the apology. You probably recall I told you that most people I trust end up hurting me, and I'm sure you realize you vaulted yourself quite spectacularly into that statistic, and with an alarming amount of what I felt was completely false conjecture or misunderstanding of things I'd said. So, thank you for this email.

As far as I'm concerned, that's that.

PENES! What is a blog post without mention of penes? Over the weekend I spent time with some lovely ladies, and there was extensive discussion of penes/penii. Highlights:

1. It is totally okay to tell a guy that he has "a great dick." Different girls have different ideas of an ideal member, but when we see one that's just fantastic, we know... and we think you'd like to know, too.
2. "Pesions" = "penal lesions" = a phrase we hope to never have use of ever again.
3. Sometimes girls just need sex. It's true. "I want you to shut up now and fuck me" is not just a dude thought.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Desk: the Sequel

If you've been reading this blog since its inception, you already know who Desk is. If you don't, I have created a handy label so you can easily find all posts re: him, both the good and the bad, because apparently even though we did not date long, he is destined to be an important piece of my life. These things happen.

The latest, which some of you know, is that last night I got an invitation for that professional networking site LinkedIn from none other than Desk himself. I stared at it for quite a while. My body felt all funny and I was sure that I was somehow misreading the name on the email. His first name is pretty common... but no, his last name is terribly unique and it was definitely Desk. I even clicked on it to see his profile, and the job description matched up. WHAT.

I wondered what the hell he was thinking. Now, I am a curious sort, especially when it comes to things like relationships and how brains work and how people think. I'm also prone to knee-jerk reactions, spontaneous decisions, and obsessing... so I was not even remotely surprised when, after trying for about 10 minutes to ignore the whole thing, I hit reply on LinkedIn and wrote, "This is a joke, yeah?" Mostly I just wanted to express my surprise to him; I didn't truly expect a response.

Internet: he wrote back.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Sexy Times: What Worries You?

Let's say you have a date/date-type-thing coming up that you are pretty certain is going to involve sex. With a new person.

What do you think about leading up to this?

I would imagine for the ladies: leg/pit shaving, makeup... for the men: will she think his peener is good enough?... for both: landscaping, clean home (whoever is hosting), showering, will it be any good?, will s/he like me?, are there condoms? (you should both be prepared, people! never rely on the other party)

Here is my deal: if sex happens without forethought or with someone I've already been with and am comfortable around, I'm not even remotely concerned with things like leg hair or if I've showered or if there's dirty clothes on the floor. But if I know SEX WILL HAPPEN, I think way too much. Sometimes I just decide that I am desirous of sex, so the next date I have is the winner. Date gets set up, and then... I have time to think about it. And... hmm.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Follow up! Boy input!

Yesterday I shared a list of perfectly reasonable options for dealing with a new friend whom you suspect is crushing on you. Another option was presented by a reader: proactively bring it up and nip it in the bud.


This is terrifying for many reasons... sure, the crusher may be delusional and think the object of his desire reciprocates, but the crushee risks mortification if she brings it up only to have the crusher look appalled and say, "What? You're full of yourself."

I myself often second-guess these things to death. Does he have a crush on me? No, he's just friendly. I'm reading too much into it. I need to stop being so egotistical. Or maybe he's just horny and I happen to be around; that is not a crush, that is libido + convenience.

My normal approach is a toned-down version of the Talk About Another Guy option, followed by the final option of letting him down gently if he brings it up. I have maintained some of my best friendships with guys who initially were blinded by the New Girl Syndrome (you know how it is... you haven't met someone in a while, then someone new of the gender you're particular to comes into your life and is shiny and fresh and so of COURSE you must like this person), only to later realize OMG THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN DISASTROUS. And thus we moved along and remained friends.

Last night I was discussing this with a new male friend who is only 24. His immediate reaction was, "Just sleep with him once, jeez."

Me: "...I can't sleep with a guy if I know he likes me, and I don't like him. That's mean!"
Him: "Oh, get over yourself!"
Me: ""
Him: "As long as everyone knows it's just a one-time thing... just get it over with."
Me: "Isn't that mean? Leading him on?"
Him: "No, just tell him it's just this once! It's fine. You have sex, you move on, you stay friends."
Me: "..."

Ah, 24 year olds. (whyaretheysofuckincute?!?)

Only later, when more sober, did I think that my counter-argument should have been: "if I don't like him romantically, that is at least in part because I don't find him physically attractive, so I don't want to sleep with him. DUH." I mean, come on, I DO get a say in my sexy times partners, yaknow. Just because he likes me does not mean he gets an automatic all-access pass to gloryland!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Being Likeable

What do you do when you think you've made a fab new friend, but then you realize this new friend has a crush on you?

(am writing this from perspective of female crushee and male crusher, but feel free to play footloose and fancy-free with the pronouns and body parts until it suits you)

1. Smack him in the face and run away, à la The Bobcats. Hopefully he doesn't have a Thing For Crazies.

2. Ask him if he's gay. Repeatedly. Then ask if he's really, really sure.

3. Tell him you don't have a vagina. It simply fell out when you were 15 and you never bothered to worry about it because hey! No periods! No sexual frustration! Win-win. No really, go look it up in some kind of scientific journal.

4. Move to another city.

5. Bring up some Hot Guy You Love every time you hang out. Hope he gets the hint. Burst into tears a lot (lamenting unrequited love from Hot Guy). Allow snot to flow freely.

6. Talk incessantly about the weirdish purpley wart your left big toe seems to be cultivating despite your best efforts to burn it/cut it/soak it in kerosine.

7. Announce your intentions to make a coffee table book of photographs of deformed penes. Excitedly tell him he looks like he'd be a shoe-in to be a participant - he just has the face of someone with a problematic peener, you know?

8. Salivate a little while talking lustily about how you've always thought Van Gogh was SOOOOOOO sexy and it would just be SOOOOOO amazing to date a guy who would CUT OFF HIS EAR for you, and you are just pretty sure you cannot settle for anything less. Then hope he's not into body mutilation.

9. Tell him you're actually a lesbian, and resign yourself to never dating another boy as long as you remain friends with this one.

10. Ignore it and hope he never musters the balls to make a move. If/when he does, gently explain you just don't see him that way and hope this doesn't negatively impact the friendship. If it does, respect his wishes and give him his space.

Guess which route I usually choose?