Friday, June 3, 2011

It puts the lotion on its skin...

Time to get back to some dating misadventure stories! Yaaaaaaay!

When I first moved to a new city in 2006, I was far enough from everyone I knew to be pretty well isolated. I worked at a job where my coworkers were all old and/or married, and everyone I met through that job was older and very business-y. There weren't many bars in my town, and I wasn't comfortable just wandering down to them solo anyway. What's a sex addict to do?

Online dating! I turned to OkCupid, because it's free and I'm pretty much in a constant state of trying to save money. This is the story of Bill (as in Buffalo), one of the first guys I met from this, my first foray into the online dating world.

Bill and I exchanged AIM usernames and chatted a bit, decided things were good, and made arrangements to meet at a restaurant at a pretty big shopping area between us. I was being Smart and Safe! Public areas! Yay! We met, we ate, we got along, he made me laugh, la la la.

Then as we stood up from the table, he reached over, grabbed my hand, and rubbed his thumb across the inside of my wrist. Then he let go. I looked up at him (tall guy) and said, "Um. What was that?"

"Your skin looks so soft, I just wanted to feel."


Any sane girl would have realized this was her cue to say goodnight and go home. Oh, friends, let's not even pretend we think I did that. Nope. I thought, he's nervous. That was weird, but not horrible. We walked to Target, bought a DVD, and went to his place to watch it. So much for Smart and Safe, eh, gang?

I don't remember what the movie was, but I do know I ended up falling asleep. He offered to let me stay because by then it was really late. I made him promise it would be chaste, and he agreed and gave me pajama pants. To his credit, he did in fact stay on his side of the bed the entire night - no attempted snuggle-cop-a-feels or "oops, I did not realize I was groping you in my sleep" antics. I got up in the morning and went home, thinking he'd turned out to be a decent guy.

We had another date that ended at my place, sex happened, and afterward he was laying there stroking my back, going on about how soft my skin is. Um. Okay. It's fine to tell me that once, but over and over? That's a bit much.

Later he popped up online, all chatty. I was already feeling like this was not going to be a thing, when he said that he'd just been at the mall with his ex-girlfriend, and they fucked in her car in the parking lot.


I was seriously put off, and I don't recall exactly how things happened after this, but at some point he showed up at my apartment (I think it was a pre-arranged date that I canceled, but he thought I was kidding and showed up anyway), and I pointed out that the whole ex-fucking thing was bothersome and I didn't want to see him anymore. He looked at me like I was the crazy one and said that had been a joke. Ha?

No no no. For once, I stood my ground and sent him on his way. I stopped talking to him online. The end!

...except not really. Because this is my life, and my life likes to fuck with me. Many months later, perhaps even a year, I'm not sure, I was at a house party in Seattle. I wandered into the kitchen to throw away my bottle cap, and someone very tall was standing in the way of the trash can. Without looking up to see said person's face, I semi-drunkenly said, "Excuse me, stranger" so that I could reach past him to the trash. I'm a very polite and clean drunk.

The very tall fellow said something to me that indicated he knew me, so I looked up. Yep. It's Bill. For a second it doesn't register, then I said, "oh god, it's YOU. What the FUCK are you doing here??" Then I walked outside and stayed on the porch with my friends for the rest of the night. I felt that was a pretty clear indicator that I was not interested in talking to him.

Next day, I'm home on my computer, la la la, and an IM pops up... from Bill. Being all flirty. WHAT. I explained to him that I had no interest in talking to him.

Bill: "Whatever, you were totally flirting with me last night!"
Me: "...'Excuse me, stranger' is flirting?"
Bill: "Yeah, being all cute, like 'Hey there, stranger!'"
Me: "That is not what I did. Remember the part where I said 'what the fuck are you doing here' and WALKED AWAY?"
Bill: "Haha, yeah, playing hard to get!"
Me (hungover and frustrated): "No. I honestly did not recognize you. Here's the thing: I stopped seeing you because you are creepy. I honestly thought you were going to put me in a hole and lower lotion down to me in a basket."
Bill: "Haha, you are so funny!"
Me: .... *blocked*


  1. It seems like a guys, myself included, don't know somethings creepy until you find out the hard way. I'm only sure I've done stuff that's come off as creepy and I didn't know about it until it was pointed out of me or I look back at something I did when someone says that X is a creepy thing to do.

    Not making excuses for the guy. He could have been a lot more smooth about the soft skin thing the first time and not reached across the table in what sounds like a very award fashion. Or fucked in ex girlfriend in a car after your date. Little things like that.