Tuesday, July 5, 2011

An Oral Tradition

As of today, I have been officially single for a year. And a day. As I mentioned in a previous post, I broke up with the last fella I called Boyfriend on the 4th of July, 2010. For some reason, this strange anniversary is making me want to write about something very dear and close to my heart: oral sex.

Let's start with women. I personally adore a man who loves to go downtown. It's a fantastic way to wake up, and it solves the whole morning breath fiasco - if he's kissing those lips, I'm not worried about how my mouth smells/tastes. Guys who try to kiss me in the morning? NO. Even I don't want to be anywhere near my face before I've brushed my teeth, so I certainly don't want anyone else up in there.

But up down there? Yes please!

Here's my concern, though... I have met many ladies who do not want or let their men munch some pink taco. And I have also met men who do not want to do it.


I have many problems with both those scenarios. Let me start, again, with the ladies.

The concerns that I have heard most often from ladies are, "what if I smell/taste bad?" Um. Do you shower on any kind of regular basis? Then you're fine. And if you are the kind of woman who is concerned about if she smells or tastes bad in her nethers, you are probably also the kind of woman who keeps clean, so STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT.

Most men I know who like women also like the smell and taste of women. It's pheromones. Just relax and let him do his thing - trust me, you will both be happy. If you're concerned but daring, go ahead and give him a smooch when he comes back up; see how you taste firsthand. I'm betting you will be delightfully surprised.

Men... the only reason I've ever heard for a man not enjoying giving oral is that he's worried he won't be good at it. Well, guys, how are going to GET good at it? Find a patient woman and tell her you'd like to learn. Just keep your teeth out of it and you'll probably be just fine. Breathe through your nose. Incorporate your fingers. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy her reactions. Tell her she tastes good, in case she's a Concerned Lady - it might help her relax and enjoy the experience, and if she's not a Concerned Lady, she probably likes hearing that anyway.

With all that said, what I really want to know is: what are your favorite euphemisms for going down on a girl? Because I'm just not sure how I feel about "munch a pink taco."


  1. My favorite is from The Cleveland Show: crawl under the sheets and take care of mama bear

  2. I've always enjoyed "Muff Diving".

  3. I don't have a fabulous euphemism, I just want to say, "AMEN, Sistah'!"

  4. The old blues musicians used to refer to it as jelly roll.