Monday, July 18, 2011

Desk: The Email, Pt 1

(Prologue of the Desk story here)

Oh, yes, the email came. And friends, what an email. It is really, really long (that's what she said). I went to a party the Friday night after our fallout, and when I came home around midnight, I popped online to check email. And there it was.

The Longest, Meanest Email Ever.

Maybe not ever, that's a big statement... but still bad. Funnily enough, when he was badgering me about opening up and letting down walls, I told him it was hard for me because 9 out of the 10 people I chose to trust and open up to ended up hurting me. He acted like that was sad and he wouldn't be that guy. (They ALL act like they won't be that guy. THEY ARE.) Then I get this email, which is, in a word, rude.

I was going to post all of it, but I'll just pick out the REALLY offensive bits, and you, dear readers, should rest assured that the whole thing was really pretentious and offensive and awful. It's still going to get super long, but bear in mind throughout that this isn't even the whole thing...

First, he opens by telling me that although I was trying to be more vulnerable with him, I was basically doing a half-assed job of it. Then he goes on to tell me that he gets it, because he moved a lot growing up, too, but that I have to "update" and "evolve" my "reward system." Then he toodles along to just flat out start insulting me:

When I look at you, at your job you don't like,
in a profession you don't enjoy,

Yep. This is unique to me. I am the only person who doesn't like her job or profession.

with a cat for a best friend,

What, really? I love my cat. He's been with me for over 9 years. I never said he's my best friend. He's my CAT. He's my little man, he's my baby, but my best friend? I joked once that he's the only man I can trust. So? Oh, wait, that's right... Desk doesn't get the concept of "joking."

who's favorite foods are still mac and cheese,
and mom's red velvet cake,

Another thing I never said. He asked me what my comfort foods were. In general, a person's "comfort" foods are ones that were favorites as a child, perhaps, or things they know aren't good for them but taste really good. The fact that a ton of restaurants have mac and cheese (5 cheese with bread crumbs, or with bacon, or truffle mac & cheese...) means I'm not alone, and the restaurant down the street sold out of red velvet cake every time they got it in.

who's favorite dress is still the one from when she was 13,

This is just becoming a list of Things I Never Said, honestly. I showed him the dress I planned to wear to SlutWalk. I proudly told him I've had it since I was 13. I'm proud because it still fits, motherfucker. I for one think that's pretty awesome. And it fits really, really well (excuse me while I preen a little). But favorite? Nope.

who's favorite band is still Toad the Wet Sprocket,

This is an example of him taking everything I said way too seriously. When I say Toad is "my favorite band of all time ever," that's a thing I say. 5 minutes later I might say the Beatles are "my favorite band of all time ever." I generally don't use that phrase when talking about current favorites like Christina Perri and Mumford & Sons, because they haven't been around long enough to see if they stand the test of time.

And at this point I just have to go ahead and point out that Mr. Smarty Pants should be using "whose," not "who's," on all these statements.

who plays the videogames of her childhood,

I asked him at the beginning of our dating if he was good at Tetris, because I have yet to date a guy who can consistently beat me at that game. From then on, it was he who regularly said, "Let's play Tetris!" "Can we play Tetris?" "We still need to play Tetris..." "Know what we should do now? Play Tetris!" (and yes, I thoroughly destroyed him at the game)

who hides her body and her beauty in boyish clothes,

Says the guy who wears the same pair of skinny jeans with a giant hole in the knee every day, and shirts with holes in the armpits. And even when I DID wear a dress, did he tell me I looked nice? No. He said, "I think there are other dresses that would suit you better." Besides, we spent the majority of our time at my place, so why bother dressing up?

who is obsessed with hamstahs and bunnehs,

Yeah, okay. I'll give him that one.

who hasn't let herself dream bigger than a pet store,

Since when is owning your own business a SMALL dream? And may I also remind everyone that his nickname comes from the fact that he builds office furniture for a living?

who uses humor far too much as a shield,

Okay, okay... can't argue with this one either.

who fantasizes about going back home to mom and dad,

Ohh, and we're back to Things I Never Said! I told him how I was considering moving to Austin to be closer to my family, because my parents are getting older, and so are my niece and nephew. It would be nice to be within driving distance of visiting my family, as my parents are aging, and as my niece and nephew are old enough to have conversations and hang out and it might be nice to get to know them. I mentioned how expensive it is to move, and how it might come down to me staying temporarily with my parents to make it happen.

and who insists on speaking in a false, childish voice more 
often than not and just as often resorts to whining and complaining 
as a primary form of communicating

Every single time Desk and I hung out, we drank. Every. Time. Usually smoked some pot, too. Anyone who has ever spent time with me when I get inebriated knows that my voice gets higher the more I drink. So... yeah. Sorry I have a girl voice?

- I see a little girl, who refuses to grow up, a person
stunted in development (not that I know nothing of stunted personal
maturation - I do and well, so it makes it easy for me to see in you).
And this neglects completely, your fear of speaking on the phone.

Um. Most people in our generation hate talking on the phone. How does that make me a little girl? When I was younger, I loved it!

-and here, sorry, I'm going to cut. CLIFFHANGER! THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO COME!!


  1. Nooooo! You can't cut heeeeeere! *said in a high-pitched girly voice, via computer, naturally, because I hate the phone, too*

  2. I seriously hope that Desk is reading your blog because he needs to know that his is one of the biggest douche bags on the planet.

    Also, I didn't know you wanted to own a pet store, but that sounds like the best idea ever! I very sincerely hope that you are able to achieve that dream.

    Aaaagh! I seriously want to punch this asshole in the nuts.

  3. It's easy to point the finger at someone and say this or that about them. I'm "sure" he's perfect. What's his definition of growing up? Most times being a grown up sucks. I don't recommend it to anyone.

  4. I already knew that I was going to be mad at this guy when I read actual quotes, but I underestimated how much I'd want to poke his eye with a hot poker. What a spectacular ass!

  5. who doesn't use humor as a shield??

    most of the items on that list are things that your friends love about you.

  6. Dear Weiner:

    Congratulations on winning. You obviously won so hard. Way to hate on macaroni and cheese! That shit is obviously for babies. Also, parents are overrated. People need to stop liking those things.

    Props for being so manly, and not vindictive or whiny! You practically built the high road.

    Dreams Roughly the Size of a Pet Store as Well

  7. Can I just say that I LOVE you? Never forget it! This guy is a major douche & I hope you never have to see his twat-face ever again.

    Also, it's really great pooping on other people's dreams when you assemble office furniture for a living. I mean, nothing wrong with having a job! But I think that might be one of the most hypocritical things I've ever heard.