How To Get A Job

Peanut: at my friends' housewarming, a neighbor's chicken wandered into their backyard
Peanut: next thing you know, I'm off the deck, crouched in the dirt, holding out a hand going "heeeeeeere chicken chicken... heeeey, chicken..."
Peanut: it got REALLY close to me too, so it clearly worked

Mrs H: of course. I have no doubt that you have a previously undiscovered talent for chicken-whispering

Peanut: absolutely. the chickens in the park next to my office like me
Peanut: and some other friends have a chicken that wasn't "all that friendly" when I met it (the other ones were like lap chickens), but it snuggled up to my side and just kinda hung out there
Peanut: like, "look. I have a rep to maintain. So I will sit here and you can pet me, but I won't LOOK at you."

Mrs H: haha of course
Mrs H: I feel like the next time you are looking for a job, just slip "Gets along really well with even unfriendly chickens" under "Accomplishments"
Mrs H: I'm pretty sure any place worth working at will hire you as soon as they see that

Peanut: agreed

Mrs H: I'm full of useful tips

Peanut: you really are!
Peanut: also, you know that question about your weaknesses that they always ask even though it's stupid?

Mrs H: I HATE that question
Mrs H: everyone hates that question

Peanut: well, from now on
Peanut: I will answer it with "destroying wedding dresses"

Mrs H: nice!
Mrs H: I love it

Peanut: also "relationships"
Peanut: I'm sure that won't be awkward AT ALL

Mrs H: you should say it with a single tear running down your cheek
Mrs H: and then look forlornly out the window

Peanut: and a trembling lip

Mrs H: best interview ever

Peanut: or if one of the interviewers is a cute guy, I can wink at him

Mrs H: hahaha
Mrs H: awesome

Peanut: he'll knock over the table trying to get to me, I'm betting

Mrs H: I know I would

Peanut: if I did the crying bit, I would DEF get the job
Peanut: because who could NOT hire a girl who cries in the interview?
Peanut: they'd be monsters!

Mrs H: yeah, you'd have to be a serious asshat to turn someone away like that

Peanut: I've long considered putting "blowjobs" under my list of skills
Peanut: but perhaps I should save that as the surprise answer to "what are your strengths" instead
Peanut: it makes a nice pairing with the "relationships" answer

Mrs H: right
Mrs H: Oh man, if you could pull that off with a straight face, I would give you a cash prize

Peanut: dude, I'm going to start applying to random jobs RIGHT NOW
Peanut: jobs I don't want or need

Mrs H: I would need video evidence that you did not crack up

Peanut: naturally
Peanut: I'll very carefully set the recorder on my phone
Peanut: I mean, I would have to smile, but no laughing

Mrs H: and then you can say "I can say all sorts of inappropriate things with a straight face" as your second strength

Peanut: oooh good call

Mrs H: right?
Mrs H: I should be a life coach

Peanut: so to summarize
Peanut: "What are your strengths?"
Peanut: Cookies, blowjobs, and cracking inappropriate jokes with a straight face.
Peanut: "What are your weaknesses?"
Peanut: Ruining wedding dresses and... *choked back sob* ... relationships.

Mrs H: awesome
Mrs H: it makes me want to be an interviewer

Peanut: oh, and pie. I'm not good at making pie.
Peanut: Granted, I have never tried
Peanut: but I feel I should be honest