If you've been reading this blog since its inception, you already know who Desk is. If you don't, I have created a handy label so you can easily find all posts re: him, both the good and the bad, because apparently even though we did not date long, he is destined to be an important piece of my life. These things happen.
The latest, which some of you know, is that last night I got an invitation for that professional networking site LinkedIn from none other than Desk himself. I stared at it for quite a while. My body felt all funny and I was sure that I was somehow misreading the name on the email. His first name is pretty common... but no, his last name is terribly unique and it was definitely Desk. I even clicked on it to see his profile, and the job description matched up. WHAT.
I wondered what the hell he was thinking. Now, I am a curious sort, especially when it comes to things like relationships and how brains work and how people think. I'm also prone to knee-jerk reactions, spontaneous decisions, and obsessing... so I was not even remotely surprised when, after trying for about 10 minutes to ignore the whole thing, I hit reply on LinkedIn and wrote, "This is a joke, yeah?" Mostly I just wanted to express my surprise to him; I didn't truly expect a response.
Internet: he wrote back.
Ha, no, not a joke. A friend of mine just sent me an invitation and when I went through the registration process I let it scan my email account to find friends. Due to the fact that my mobile browser doesn't allow me to view some lists in full, I couldn't see all who were there and took a gamble - still don't know who random folk I may have invited! But that's not to say you're random. Actually, I've been meaning to contact you, so this is somewhat serendipitous. I owe you a an apology. I wasn't seeing you for who you were, but rather who I thought you should be, and I regret that. I'm continuing to discover the ways in which christianty has helped mold my judgments of others - in some respects to the positive, but because of my seemingly inate predisposition to focus on what's wrong with the world and want to fix it, I think my judgments are generally to the negative, more doom and gloom. Honestly, I wish I could abandon judgment all together, but more and more, I feel I embody the male Libra, and I'm not sure - no, I AM sure I don't know what to do with that. My whole life balance, equality, symmetry and judgment have been my MO. I guess I'm trying to make peace with that and be responsible with my gifts, but they form a double-edged sword to be certain. All I can say to you now is, I'm sorry. Feel no need to Link-In or whatnot, or reply at all, I just wanted you to know, I am sorry for what I said to you. Hope you and O are well. Well-wishes and cheers.
Here's the thing about Desk: we had some kind of really fantastic physical chemistry. And when he wasn't being morose, we had fun. But something about him made me crawl inside my own head and get fully and completely lost in labyrinths of thoughts that I normally try to ignore. This was, in fact, where most of our disconnect came from: he wanted to face things head on and charge around in those thought mazes and find his way out, one way or another. I want to close my eyes and pretend I'm not in the maze at all, plug my ears and hum and hope it's all gone away when I open my eyes again. Once in a while I'll get up and take some tentative steps, turn a corner, but then I get overwhelmed again and it's back to the humming.
Last night, thanks to this email, I found myself once again trapped in my head, swirling into Serious Deep Thinking, which may be all well and good for some, but not for me. I still cannot find my way out, and I also could not sleep. I really like to sleep. And I don't have the answers for what plagues me, and I'd really rather approach the whole thing in baby steps. Something about Desk makes me plunge in like I'm jumping into icy water, and I'm terrified that one of these times I will freeze and drown. This is why I resisted his efforts to have Serious Conversations so often. This is why I always resist friends' efforts to have Serious Conversations: one day, I'm afraid I won't come back from it.
Do I forgive him? This might surprise you all, but yes. I know him from before the Famous Nasty Email, and I know he's sincere. I also was raised very similarly to him, and I understand the concept that being raised in strict Christianity the way we both were does in fact predispose a person to being unnecessarily harsh and judgmental at times. Oddly, it's something I've been poking with a stick in my own brain a lot lately, recognizing it in myself and wanting to get rid of it.
Now I've accepted the olive branch, and the next question is whether or not I want to extend one of my own. Can we be friends? Or is his affect on me too strong?