Monday, October 24, 2011

How To Get A Job

Peanut: at my friends' housewarming, a neighbor's chicken wandered into their backyard
Peanut: next thing you know, I'm off the deck, crouched in the dirt, holding out a hand going "heeeeeeere chicken chicken... heeeey, chicken..."
Peanut: it got REALLY close to me too, so it clearly worked

Mrs H: of course. I have no doubt that you have a previously undiscovered talent for chicken-whispering

Peanut: absolutely. the chickens in the park next to my office like me
Peanut: and some other friends have a chicken that wasn't "all that friendly" when I met it (the other ones were like lap chickens), but it snuggled up to my side and just kinda hung out there
Peanut: like, "look. I have a rep to maintain. So I will sit here and you can pet me, but I won't LOOK at you."

Mrs H: haha of course
Mrs H: I feel like the next time you are looking for a job, just slip "Gets along really well with even unfriendly chickens" under "Accomplishments"
Mrs H: I'm pretty sure any place worth working at will hire you as soon as they see that

Peanut: agreed

Mrs H: I'm full of useful tips

Peanut: you really are!
Peanut: also, you know that question about your weaknesses that they always ask even though it's stupid?

Mrs H: I HATE that question
Mrs H: everyone hates that question

Peanut: well, from now on
Peanut: I will answer it with "destroying wedding dresses"

Mrs H: nice!
Mrs H: I love it

Peanut: also "relationships"
Peanut: I'm sure that won't be awkward AT ALL

Mrs H: you should say it with a single tear running down your cheek
Mrs H: and then look forlornly out the window

Peanut: and a trembling lip

Mrs H: best interview ever

Peanut: or if one of the interviewers is a cute guy, I can wink at him

Mrs H: hahaha
Mrs H: awesome

Peanut: he'll knock over the table trying to get to me, I'm betting

Mrs H: I know I would

Peanut: if I did the crying bit, I would DEF get the job
Peanut: because who could NOT hire a girl who cries in the interview?
Peanut: they'd be monsters!

Mrs H: yeah, you'd have to be a serious asshat to turn someone away like that

Peanut: I've long considered putting "blowjobs" under my list of skills
Peanut: but perhaps I should save that as the surprise answer to "what are your strengths" instead
Peanut: it makes a nice pairing with the "relationships" answer

Mrs H: right
Mrs H: Oh man, if you could pull that off with a straight face, I would give you a cash prize

Peanut: dude, I'm going to start applying to random jobs RIGHT NOW
Peanut: jobs I don't want or need

Mrs H: I would need video evidence that you did not crack up

Peanut: naturally
Peanut: I'll very carefully set the recorder on my phone
Peanut: I mean, I would have to smile, but no laughing

Mrs H: and then you can say "I can say all sorts of inappropriate things with a straight face" as your second strength

Peanut: oooh good call

Mrs H: right?
Mrs H: I should be a life coach

Peanut: so to summarize
Peanut: "What are your strengths?"
Peanut: Cookies, blowjobs, and cracking inappropriate jokes with a straight face.
Peanut: "What are your weaknesses?"
Peanut: Ruining wedding dresses and... *choked back sob* ... relationships.

Mrs H: awesome
Mrs H: it makes me want to be an interviewer

Peanut: oh, and pie. I'm not good at making pie.
Peanut: Granted, I have never tried
Peanut: but I feel I should be honest


  1. ROFL!!!!!!!!! <3 you SO MUCH!!!!!!

  2. I had an interview once where I was asked what my biggest weakness was. I said, "Hmmm... I really don't like to think of myself as having weaknesses." After a few seconds, I said, "Pride! My biggest weakness is pride." I thought this was hilarious. The guy looked at me strangely, frowned, and jotted something down on his clipboard. I was called in for a 2nd interview, but I didn't go.

  3. Yeah, you don't want to work for someone who doesn't get your jokes. Lame!

  4. It would be great to apply for jobs you don't want to get for the comedic interview. That should be either a tv show or at the least a book.