Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Sexy Times: What Worries You?

Let's say you have a date/date-type-thing coming up that you are pretty certain is going to involve sex. With a new person.

What do you think about leading up to this?

I would imagine for the ladies: leg/pit shaving, makeup... for the men: will she think his peener is good enough?... for both: landscaping, clean home (whoever is hosting), showering, will it be any good?, will s/he like me?, are there condoms? (you should both be prepared, people! never rely on the other party)

Here is my deal: if sex happens without forethought or with someone I've already been with and am comfortable around, I'm not even remotely concerned with things like leg hair or if I've showered or if there's dirty clothes on the floor. But if I know SEX WILL HAPPEN, I think way too much. Sometimes I just decide that I am desirous of sex, so the next date I have is the winner. Date gets set up, and then... I have time to think about it. And... hmm.

1. Must shave legs. Legs always go prickly about 5 seconds after stepping out of shower/bath; in winter, I'm lucky if I make it 2 seconds without goosebumps and prickles. Will get frustrated and probably over-shave to compensate and end up with nicks and razor burn. Must keep legs hidden until his brain is foggy with imminent sex.

2. Must landscape, but not too much. Razor burn down there is worst razor burn.

3. What if he is bad kisser? What if he thinks I am bad kisser?

4. What if his peener is weird? Crooked? Floppy? Incapable of performing with condom (have experienced this)?

5. What if sex is bad, like big-dicked guy who smooshed me?

6. What if he tries to stick finger up my butt? Keep going, or call quits?

7. What if it turns out he does not want to sex me?

8. Must clean home. Must make sure condoms are stocked. Must clean cat box and hope cat doesn't poop within 5 minutes of guy's arrival, as cat is prone to do, because cat is asshole. Hope I don't have to poop within any minutes of guy's arrival.

9. Must hide stuffed bunny that I sleep with. Is for cat to knead at night so he does not knead my boobs (OUCH) but that is too much to explain. Just hide it.

and most importantly...

most frightening prospect...

most probably unusual to majority of people, who have normal emotions and relationships...

10. What if I end up REALLY LIKING him??

So, share with me... what do you think/worry about when there are almost-definite sexy times with a new partner on your agenda?


  1. My solution for not worrying about any of these things - get drunk

  2. Clean house is pretty much number one on my list. Even if it's the kind of clean where I move all the things to a room with a door and cram them in there and then put up a sign that says, "Danger! Do not open in case of avalanche."

    Word verification was "ackism," which needs to be a thing.

  3. I think that is the solution for a lot of people. :) But I don't really enjoy drunk sex... it sloshes things around in my tummy and makes me feel sick.

  4. "Ackism" should totally be a thing!