Monday, October 3, 2011

Being Likeable

What do you do when you think you've made a fab new friend, but then you realize this new friend has a crush on you?

(am writing this from perspective of female crushee and male crusher, but feel free to play footloose and fancy-free with the pronouns and body parts until it suits you)

1. Smack him in the face and run away, à la The Bobcats. Hopefully he doesn't have a Thing For Crazies.

2. Ask him if he's gay. Repeatedly. Then ask if he's really, really sure.

3. Tell him you don't have a vagina. It simply fell out when you were 15 and you never bothered to worry about it because hey! No periods! No sexual frustration! Win-win. No really, go look it up in some kind of scientific journal.

4. Move to another city.

5. Bring up some Hot Guy You Love every time you hang out. Hope he gets the hint. Burst into tears a lot (lamenting unrequited love from Hot Guy). Allow snot to flow freely.

6. Talk incessantly about the weirdish purpley wart your left big toe seems to be cultivating despite your best efforts to burn it/cut it/soak it in kerosine.

7. Announce your intentions to make a coffee table book of photographs of deformed penes. Excitedly tell him he looks like he'd be a shoe-in to be a participant - he just has the face of someone with a problematic peener, you know?

8. Salivate a little while talking lustily about how you've always thought Van Gogh was SOOOOOOO sexy and it would just be SOOOOOO amazing to date a guy who would CUT OFF HIS EAR for you, and you are just pretty sure you cannot settle for anything less. Then hope he's not into body mutilation.

9. Tell him you're actually a lesbian, and resign yourself to never dating another boy as long as you remain friends with this one.

10. Ignore it and hope he never musters the balls to make a move. If/when he does, gently explain you just don't see him that way and hope this doesn't negatively impact the friendship. If it does, respect his wishes and give him his space.

Guess which route I usually choose?


  1. 11. Tell the crusher that you get the impression they're crushing. If they're a fab friend, they'll appreciate the note (sometimes crushers can rock the self-delusion/denial like nobody's business). If they respond in the affirmative, calmly remind them where you're at.

  2. Ahh the friend zone. I used to be the major of that place.

  3. I totally hate (hate hate hate!) it when that happens.
    Daniel's suggestion is amazing, but also incredibly scary.

  4. Ah, just wait until somebody asks if you guys are together, then laugh til you pee. That'll do it. Promise.

    Or! (On a more serious note, and I know this is weird, but bear with me.) Tell him that it's Just Not Happening. After a while it'll sink in and he'll get over it. Works on me every time. Eventually.

    Every time he sends a flirty text/IM/email after that, send him NONONOcat.

  5. I am laughing way too much about the NONONOcat idea.

    It's not a concern - dude who prompted this post has gone back to Regular Friendly. I'd bet money it was just alcohol/convenience that caused the flirtation in the first place. Hooray!