Thursday, October 27, 2011

Nothing Sexy Here

I just explained to a coworker the proper way to consume M&Ms, so I figured I'd lay some knowledge down for you guys as well. It's like one of those logic puzzles from elementary school, but a super easy one. Also, yes, this is how I really eat M&Ms, every single time. I cannot eat them in the dark (nor Skittles, although the rules for those are slightly different. ....don't judge me).

1. You must eat M&Ms in pairs.

2. Every pair must be 2 different colored M&Ms.

3. Every pair must include one "male" color and one "female" color. That is the gender of the color itself, not the gender for which that color applies (like the idiot notion that GI Joes are "boy" toys and Easy Bake Ovens are "girl" toys. No, these colors ARE male and female, in my mind).*

4. When you find yourself nearing the end of your M&M supply, you must dump out and pre-organize all remaining M&Ms to ensure you will be able to meet the requirements with the remaining candy.

5. M&Ms unable to meet requirements should be pawned off on friends or coworkers.

*This rule, it should be noted, is not strictly followed at all times in adulthood. As a child, yes, but now I'm much more relaxed. If toward the end of the bag I find my candy doesn't work out this way, I am perfectly content to allow "gay" coupled M&Ms.** Often I also allow this if I'm simply distracted, but rule #2 always always always applies.

**This should not in any way be read as a reflection of my views on homosexuality in general. The male/female colors thing is a holdover from childhood that will probably never go away. For the record, I'm pro-gay marriage, etc. That shouldn't even need to be said, considering I'm bisexual myself, but I really don't need my weird food issues to be interpreted by some pop psychology babble that will inevitably make me the bad guy. I JUST EAT CANDY WEIRD OKAY.

Reference material:

"Male" colors: blue, green, brown
"Female" colors: red, yellow, orange


  1. What if I support homosexual M&M unions?

  2. As long as you still adhere to rule 2, it's a-okay. Rule 3 is really more of a suggested pattern, and only becomes a RUUUULE when I'm stressed.

  3. So far I've only been able to come up with one candy rule.

    1. Candy goes in mouth hole.

  4. Okay, so the fact is, I have my own rules. Yours are fine, but I did feel guilty when I realized that I break your rules every time I eat M&Ms.

    Rule #1 - M&Ms must be eaten in groups of even numbers - it can be anywhere from 2 to 8 and must match in color.
    Rule #2 - colors must be eaten in order: Blue goes first, then green, then yellow, then brown, then orange, red is last.

    When I go to my friend's house, he complains that I make his candy dish look freakish because I don't empty the whole thing but usually the blue ones and green ones are gone and the yellow are looking awfully scarce.

    But I totally agree with rule #5. I usually offer them to Occasionally-Less-Crazy-Better-Half as if I'm just being sweet.

  5. OMG I'm a crazy M&M eater too!!!

    I like to take a handful &

    1- line up as many rainbows as I can in a grid: b,g,y,o,r,br going left to right & all the same colors lined up vertically (all blue in the first column, etc). Also, I often line these up in the grooves between the fingers of my left hand if a flat surface is not available

    2- eat each rainbow in order, starting with brown (my least favorite color) & ending with blue (my most favorite color). From top to bottom.

    3- with the leftover, mismatched Ms, I create a pyramid with the most plentiful color on the bottom & the least plentiful colors going up to the top. I try to create as big of a pyramid as possible (rainbow order be damned!)

    4- any misfit Ms that do not fit in the pyramid get eaten unceremoniously (they're bad, BAD Ms!), or sometimes I make smaller pyramids out of those

    5- the pyramids get eaten from the lower right corner, in groups of diagonally oriented Ms all at once. For example:

    R R
    G G G

    First eat the G in the lower right, then the middle G & the right R together, then eat the last diagonal row (usually one at a time b/c I'm weird), ending with the single B at the top

    And THAT, my dear, is how YOUR M&M eating rules sound completely sane :)

  6. I love it! I do the pyramid a lot, too, if there's no one around to give my misfits to or I just want ALL THE M&MS! I do that step first, though, to get rid of the odd guys and leave myself with my neat pairs.

    And you HAVE to eat diagonally like that. I don't ... quite know why. But I do the SAME THING. Hooray!

    I love that so many people have weird methods for eating M&Ms. A popular one when I was younger was M&M battles... you'd take 2 different-colored Ms and press them together. The one that broke first was eaten, and the one that "survived" went on to the next battle.