Last night I dreamed one of those dreams that I just feel like I have to share. In this dream, I went to a doctor because I had cramps. The doctor gave me some kind of pills, which I dutifully began taking. Not that exciting so far.
Then I was home, packing my backpack for school. I was delighted to find that my work laptop fit in my backpack perfectly! (work laptop? but I was in school? what? but this is really not that weird compared to the rest.) Then I hopped in the shower to get ready for school/work (schork?) and there I discovered: I had a penis.
Well.. not a REAL one. But a very fat nubby one. Sort of like my girl bits had just gotten really really fat without the rest of me, and were now drooping with this added weight. SICK. I realized (in the way that you realize things in dreams) that the pills that doctor had given me? Were HORMONE PILLS. The kind you might give someone who wants a sex change (I'm pretty sure they actually get shots, but this is a dream here, people, and I don't like shots so I guess I want people to have the pill option). But: AUGH! I don't want a sex change!
I began to panic. I really like being a woman! I got dressed, and I was crying to my mom - I don't want to be a boy! Why wouldn't the doctor tell me this VERY IMPORTANT AND MAJOR side effect?? Why would he DO this to meeeeeee? I would rather just have cramps! My jeans were awfully uncomfortable what with being designed for an innie and instead being forced to house an outie, and I was thinking how peens are really uncomfortable and which side should I tuck on and oh god if I stop taking those pills immediately will it shrink back to my normal lady bits??
Then friends started coming over. I frantically tried to shove the absolutely alarming number of these peener pills (seriously, I had a box of them, probably a year's worth... I guess my cramps were really bad?) into my backpack so my friends wouldn't see them, but they kept spotting them or an empty package or some other clue and asking about them, or at least asking me what was wrong. I'd tell them it was nothing, just to let it go, and they'd get mad at me for not trusting them with my innermost secrets and concerns.
Perhaps all this having-a-sudden-penis stuff made me feel dirty (I imagine it would), because next thing I know I was back in the shower, but this time I was wearing a one piece swimsuit... to hide my hideousness even from myself, I suppose. I tried to shave my pits, as I do, and discovered I couldn't reach my arm up as high as I needed to see my armpit properly and give it a good shave. Why, you ask, couldn't I reach my arm up? Well, I wondered the same thing, so I lowered my arm - and I had HUGE biceps! WHAT.
Cue more panic about becoming a boy. I DON'T WANT TO BE A BOY.
Guys, I don't even know what the eff. Anyone wanna try to interpret that shit? Be my guest.