Sunday, May 15, 2011

Let's get dirty

It's time to talk about sex.

I seriously considered opening this post with "the time has come" but I figured that was way too obvious a joke. Problem is, it was also too good to not even mention, so there you go.

Everyone has funny sex stories. Not everyone is willing to share them ON THE INTERNET. Or if they are, you wish they hadn't. Let's hope I don't fall into that second category, because I'm about to prove I sure as hell don't fall into the first.

Cutting here in case you're not comfortable knowing this much detail about my sex life. Don't say you weren't warned.

1. I had a sex-only relationship with this guy. After it was all over, I realized we'd never even kissed on the mouth. Like hookers, I guess, but no money was exchanged. He was a horn-dog, and one thing you're going to learn about me if you haven't already is that I enjoy sex as a power move. More on that another time. Our first attempted encounter was in a public restroom at a video arcade. Yep. Super classy. I was coming out of the women's, he was going into the men's, we were both plastered, and he grabbed my hand and took me with him (yes, we already knew each other). He was way too tall, so logistically it didn't end up working out, and I'm sure the guy who came in to pee while we were fumbling around was all too aware of what was going on in the stall behind him.

2. Same guy, at his place. Mid-sex, he stuck his finger up my butt while I was riding away on top of him. Now, I know some people are into that. That's fine. Good on ya. But I'm not, and I already knew at the time that I was not. I grabbed his wrist and told him it wasn't my thing. "Are you sure?" "...yes." A minute later: up the pooper again! What! And then you think you're gonna touch me with that hand?? I stopped him again. "I'm REALLY, REALLY sure." A minute later - I'm sure you can guess - he figured maybe he would change my mind with his magical butt-fingering, I guess. I stopped cold, climbed off, and was dressed and out the door in less than 5 minutes.

3. Remember that first list, the guy who couldn't take me back to his place because he had a girlfriend? Without getting into how awful and horrible and wrong the whole situation was, let me just say that for whatever reason, I did not in fact kick him out of my car when he told me that. Nope. We went to a cemetery. In the middle of the night. Classic, right? This was several years ago, but I don't get the luxury of claiming I was too young to know better. Now that I recall, he was also a finger-up-the-butt guy, and I remember being horrified when he then twined his fingers in my hair to pull. Ewwww.

4. One guy I'm still friends with, and with whom I had a casual sometimes-sex relationship on and off for a couple of years, gets really bad beer farts. One night, when we hadn't been together for well over a year or so, we ran into one another at the bar. He was plastered, I was pretty well gone, so of course we decided it would be a great idea to make out like high schoolers on the corner, and then stumble back to his place. I proceeded to give him a good old-fashioned blowjob... and he proceeded to beer-fart. Yeah, basically in my face. Kiiiiiinda kills the mood. I claimed I was too drunk and left. The next time I saw him, I explained why I'd really left, and he was mortified.

5. ...but we laughed. In fact, I just saw this same guy at the bar again last night, and after a round of fart jokes I told him about this very blog and that the story would end up here. He reminded me of another incident, from when we'd first met about 4 or 5 years ago and attempted to actually date like normal(ish) people. It was the one and only time he came out to my place. He said my cat had played with the used condom. I asked if he was sure that was me, because my cat? My cat is far too prissy to go anywhere near something that gross, much less touch it. "No," he said, "it was that other cat... the smooshed-face one with the problems." Ohhhhh yeah. For a while I fostered a really, really ugly old Persian with breathing problems. He then demonstrated the cat batting around and trying to eat the used condom, and it all came back to me. I've never seen a naked man move so fast to get his used goods to the trash can.

I'm sure I've got more, but I'll save them for another time. Feel free to share your awkward/funny sexual encounters stories with me in the meantime!


  1. It's funny to hear about the finger thing. One of my buddies used to do that to his wife when she was all about having another kid and he didn't want one. It's funny how quickly that can change the mood.

    I wonder if that guy read Cosmo. I joke that girls think guys like that ... and they don't. Maybe some guys read that girls think guys like it and so they think girls like it too.

  2. Hey. At least you never hit a deer while having sex.