Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Craigslist Date

First, quickly, I have an update on Scooter! I'm not trying to turn this into StalkerBlog '11, but the guy just won't go away. This morning around 1 am, I awoke to my phone lighting up and going BONG! Yeah, I'm not smart enough to turn the volume off when I go to sleep. These things happen.

"How about a second chance? I was distracted by my living situation and life in general but I really liked you and want to try again! What do you say?"

What do I say? WHAT DO I SAY? Hmmm... where do I begin? That's the real question. "Can you go back in time and un-kill those kittens?" "HELL NO, you are a creepy muthafucka!!" "Is this a joke?" "The person you are trying to reach was taken by the Rapture. This is an automated reply. Please do not respond."

What I really said? *chirp chirp* Absolutely nothing.

And now on to the real story, which some of you from Facebook may remember, but come on! It's a good one! And it seems fitting post-non-Rapture to tell the story of a guy who tried to invite me to church on our first and only date! I hope he believed with all his little heart and sold everything he owns in preparation for the regular old gray cold Saturday we had yesterday.

November 2009 was kind of rough for me. Actually, the entire last quarter of 2009 was rough for me, THANKS A LOT CHEF WHO DUMPED ME TWICE. *ahem* So I decided to try responding to a Craigslist personal. I do have friends who have had good luck with those. I'd actually found a guy in my area & age range who wasn't gross or a weirdo or asking for "a submissive princess" or "discreet meetup" (because he's married), etc. If you've ever poked through the CL personals, you know that's rare.

We talk on the phone, he seems okay, we meet up... he's 10 minutes late (which leaves me sitting in the freezing cold waiting) with no apology, wearing an old t-shirt and torn jeans with long johns underneath. I'm no fashionista and I'm generally always in jeans and a t-shirt, but he couldn't even find jeans without a GIANT hole in the knee? Okay, okay... he's not unattractive and he's pretty interesting, so I figure, I'm already here, I'll just hang out. We were meeting to see a movie I really wanted to see (what's that? me making excuses for my boy retardation? ARE WE SURPRISED?). We start walking and talking while we wait to be let into the theater (Central Cinema for you locals), and at some point he tells me that he met a cute girl on the bus on the way there and they chatted a while.

I feel I need to put lots of parenthetical commentary in for you lovely readers just so you can get the full effect of this bit - plus it totally makes it look like I am a Writer of Plays.

me (sarcastic): "Yeah? How'd that work out for you?"
him (totally sincere): "Well, I was surprised she was interested, so that was cool, but ..." (suddenly seems to realize he is talking to his DATE and not his buddies) "uh, I mean, it obviously didn't work out, you know, 'cause I still came here to meet you." (beams at me as though I am one lucky bitch and why am I not kissing his face off in gratitude right now?)
me (with some degree of disbelief because is he for real?): "Wow. And you're sharing this with me why?"
him (proud as fuck and grinning): "I'm an open book!"

He also later asked me about my religious beliefs (I'm pretty sure it was not a natural segue either), and I said I'm agnostic. He laughed and said he thinks being agnostic is just lazy, and told me all about some church in my neighborhood he thinks I should attend.

I replied, "You know what? You're right. I am just being lazy! I'm so glad you came along and gave me that motivational kick in the butt I so desperately needed. What time is church?"

Wait. No. I just sort of stared at him and changed the subject. Because, hi, I grew up going to church 3 times a week, every week. Then I went to a Christian university where I took 5 semesters of Bible courses AND attended Chapel every damn weekday. THEN... I married a preacher's son. But no, you're right, I'M JUST LAZY. I have NO idea what the beliefs are that I'm questioning or the denominations I'm denouncing. Clearly.

At the end of the night, we walked outside and I wanted desperately to just say "bye" and run away, but I have a tiny bit of proper Southern girl in me. He was poking at his phone, yammering about complicated bus routes, clearly hinting for a ride home. Finally I got sick of standing in the 20 degree weather waiting for him to shut up, so I interrupted, "Okay, nice to meet you."

He looked up, genuinely surprised that I was not leaping at the opportunity to drive his sorry ass home. He said, "Oh, yeah, I was gonna say that, nice to meet you, and--" I cut him off with, "There's no and." I actually said this to the guy. I followed that with, "the end." Rude, but oh so satisfying. He looked a little confused but said, "Yeah, I guess we'll see how this pans out." How WHAT pans out? What part of "the end" does not compute?? I gave up - I turned and walked away.

A couple of weeks later, I got an email from him - "Hey I had a good time on our date. I'd be up for doing it again if you are."

Ladies, if you'd like to touch me and see if that gives you some of my amazing luck with the men, go right ahead.  I have plenty to share! NO PLEASE TAKE IT

1 comment:

  1. 2009 was a bombastic year of suckitude, w/r/t relationships. Suck it, 2009 relationships.