Sunday, May 8, 2011

How to end things

Now we have lots of ways to know when to walk away, but the biggest question is: how?

No matter if it's a full-blown relationship, or just a couple of dates in, telling someone you don't want to see them anymore is always rough. You have to tailor your goodbye to the person you're ditching. Is he the type to say, cool, have a nice life! or the type who will camp out on your doorstep with an acoustic guitar, sobbing while singing love songs, tacking poetry to your door and wailing late into the night about how HE WILL WIN YOU BACK, DAMMIT! 

1. Simply disappear. Stop texting/calling/emailing. Perhaps the other person will assume you have died, and move on. This move is especially popular in Seattle, and while I don't know that it's the best method for everyone, I find it's my fall-back when the person I'm ignoring is kind of... scary. Or when the words "I am breaking up with you" just don't seem to convey the same message you think they do.

2. "I'm sorry, I just don't feel a spark." How not to react to this one: "But maybe it takes TIIIIIIIIME to feel a spark. Maybe you just need to give it a CHAAAAAANCE. I still LIIIIIIIIKE you."

3. Tell her you're dating someone else whom you feel could actually be relationship material, implying that she isn't, "but hey isn't the sex fun? Oh, wait, did I just call you a free hooker by accident? Uh. Sorry." Then leave while she's sleeping and revert to step 1.

4. Have your best friend call her up to tell her that you cheated on her, because you're too chicken-shit to tell her yourself. Bonus points of your best friend also happens to be her ex-boyfriend, who also cheated on her when they dated.

And my personal favorite:
5. Move out while she's at work one day, without any warning whatsoever - in fact, kiss her goodbye in the morning and tell her you love her and to have a good day at work. This makes it extra fun for you. Don't leave a note or a message, and don't get in touch for several days - you really want to let the message sink in. Then call up to ask if you can come get the rest of your stuff. This is a tried-and-true method for cowardly fucks everywhere. NOT THAT I AM BITTER.

So that this doesn't turn into a man-bashing blog, I will also share stories of times when I was the asshole. Yes, sweet innocent lovely me! It's true! Try to wrap your brain around that, kiddies, because IT IS COMING.

1 comment:

  1. Most of my breakups have been the girl finding someone else. There was on really bad break up where we didn't talk for a few years. After that we could have a conversation with each other, but that was the extent of it. We never really went back to being friends.