Sunday, September 11, 2011

Been a while

I was in a relationship for a minute there, and it got sort of weird. He had found my blog, and enjoyed most of it, but the bits about exes bothered him. And other bits bothered him. Things started bothering him. So I decided to move the blog - I thought to myself, I am not going to stop writing (and he insisted he did not want me to), but this way he is not tempted to read things that we both know will end up... well, bothering him.

Then we broke up. I'd already done all this work to move the blog, so it's staying moved. I know the temptation to e-stalk an ex is very strong, and so I want to keep this world separate from my other, more public worlds. I don't want this one and the other one linked in any way.

Oh, the breakup. Yes. Well. He was/is a great guy. Very similar sense of humor to my own, very sweet, very goofy. Made me laugh, made me feel totally comfortable being my absolute self almost all the time. I joked a few times that he is "me with a penis." The problem is that it turns out he's more like me from a few years ago, rather than now. He went through a really awful bad no-good very painful breakup just a year ago, and it was a really long-term "thought this was the one" kind of relationship. He thought he was totally over it and healed and stuff. While I do think he's over her, it became apparent to both of us rather quickly that he was not over the pain it all caused him. He became very insecure, which I'm sure we all know from personal experience leads to clinginess, neediness, general flailing and whining... all that really unattractive stuff.

Here's where I kind of sound bitchy in saying that I was completely and totally turned off by this behavior. I understand it, I've been there myself, why couldn't I be more forgiving? I was, at first. But it kept going. I reached the point where I wanted to yell, "I'm your girlfriend, not your therapist!" I tried encouraging him to find a friend to talk to when he was feeling uncertain. Then we had an honest, straightforward talk about it the other night. He said he knew he'd been acting that way and ruining things, and I said, okay, so since you know you're doing it, that means maybe you can stop yourself, right? Let's keep trying, but like you were before, because I did quite like that.

Turns out I couldn't get The Feeling back. I still really enjoy hanging out with him, having laughs, talking... but I didn't feel sexy about him. And I didn't feel like it was in a temporary way. Like a switch had been flipped and couldn't be flipped back. We talked it out and I said since I wasn't sure whether or not it would come back, I didn't want to waste both our time. He agreed it couldn't be forced. It was a good talk... a bad talk, and a good one. You know the kind. The end result is unhappy, but you feel like you really understood each other.

What's odd is that I almost feel worse about the whole thing because my friends all liked him so much. Like I let them down by not just powering through. But he and I had been dating less than 2 months - there wasn't enough backlog of good times and emotional bonding and all of that to get me through this rough spot. That's the problem: when a rough spot hits a relationship, you can say "okay, it's bad now, but the good times are worth it, so we'll work through this." When it hits too soon, you don't have those memories and feelings to remind you why you want to work through it. He claims he's not usually like that, but all I have to go on is who he is since I've known him.

If people really could just flip switches to feel That Way about someone, based on a conscious decision, then I would have. I know he was making an effort to squelch the insecurities and recognize they were not related to me but to his own baggage. I know that, and I feel bad that the "reward" for his effort was the relationship ending anyway. But we can't just say "yes, I am now going to be physically attracted to this person," and so the struggle continues.

Honestly? I think I'm better single. I'm quite happy doing my own thing. Hell, I can barely maintain friendships because I'm so fucking solitary; what on earth makes me think I can maintain a romantic relationship?

I'm sorry that I hurt him. I'm incredibly sorry that it didn't work out. Ending it was not an easy decision to make, and I know it only contributes to my reputation as a heartless man-eater. I can't help that people are going to think that about me, so instead I am going to keep drinking this here wine and try to get back to better blogging. Speaking of, since I transferred all the posts, links in old posts are broken. I'll fix those... eventually... a few at a time... here and there...


  1. sorry to hear about the bf. It can be hard to deal with a person that has changed on you. Being on your own for awhile might not be so bad. You've got the cat to take care of spiders right?

  2. I've been single for the majority of the last year or so, and am not even remotely bothered to be so again. Plus, I'm not afraid of spiders. ;)