Thursday, April 12, 2012

Who Am I??

Recently, I did pretty much the most un-me-like thing ever.

I met a cute, funny, smart guy... and when he walked me home...

...I did nothing.

I volunteered at a neighborhood beer tasting event, and toward the end of the shift, my friend had to rush off to some other events. That left me to drink at this event alone. There weren't a lot of cider options, what with this being a beer tasting event, so after a couple of visits to each, I felt pretty tipsy and bored. I decided the night was still young, so I wandered over to my usual bar.

Normally, this bar isn't too crowded, but this Saturday night it was pretty packed. So much for my idea of sitting at the bar, chatting with the ladies on shift. Walking up to order, I saw one of the awesome-but-no-spark guys that I'd been on a few dates with earlier this year. He was with a girl, and though we've remained friendly, I just couldn't abide the idea of skulking around the bar alone, looking friendless, while this guy was here on a date.

This part of the story is typical me, so I guess I'm not totally broken. I spotted a couple of attractive guys standing in the corner chatting, and I walked up to them and put my drink on their table. "Hi, my friend left me so I'm drinking alone and there's a guy over there that I used to date so I don't want to look like a loser so will you guys be my friends?"

Guys: *blink blink*

One of them (the one I thought was cuter) said, "Wait... so... you're not dating him anymore, right?"

Me: "Noooo."

Him: *looks around* "There's a table over there. Let's grab it."

For the next couple of hours, these guys totally entertained me. There were bear jokes, Latvian jokes, stories and good times. They were just really great guys. Super nice, friendly, funny, smart. After a while, we all wandered outside. D was driving home, and Josh (the cute one and yes that's his real name) geared up and unlocked his bike. Then he said to me, "you said you live up the hill, right? I'll walk you home."

So he walked his bike and me up the hill. He said he's applying to grad school for English Lit, and I learned that fishermen (yeah, he's one) hate loggers, and just in general it was completely pleasant. I was a bit hoarse from being sick and coughing a lot the previous week, and having to practically yell at the bar for over 2 hours (holy crap that bar is so fucking loud). Add to that, my apartment was messy, he had his bike, and I hadn't shaved my legs or done any landscaping recently, and you've got reasons for even me to not invite a guy up.

There we are, standing at the corner outside my apartment building, laughing about loggers and joking about how scary I am, and I... panicked, I guess. I knew I wasn't inviting him up, but for some reason it didn't enter my fairly drunk and clearly stupid brain to say "hey, let's hang out again!" Nope. I said, "Welp, thanks for letting me hang out with you guys. Ride safe!" and I kind of bapped his bicycle seat with my rolled up volunteer t-shirt. Then I turned and went up the stairs to my apartment.

Ride safe. *bap*



Seriously?? If I had said "That was fun now go away" I couldn't have more clearly given this guy exactly the opposite impression about what I wanted from him. THIS IS SO NOT ME.

I assessed what I knew: Josh. Fisherman. In the off-season, he does... something... at UW. I think. The fact that I can't remember what he does there makes me doubt my memory of that statement at all. I'm 85% sure he works there when he's not in Alaska, though. Doing... you know... something. I know the neighborhood he lives in, and I know he has a bike. None of that is even remotely enough to even find the guy on Facebook.

Oh, and he can lick his own elbow. Go ahead, try it. You know you want to. And I bet you won't even get close. And no, that's still not helpful.

Clearly I'm the victim of a case of body-snatching. That is the only explanation I can come up with for acting this way. You don't even have to know me for very long to know that this is not normal behavior for me! AUGH. 2012, you are just really not being nice to me in the boy department! What have I done? What can I do to appease you, 2012??

By the way... if by some weird chance someone reading this knows or thinks they might know this guy... for the love of [insert something you love the mostest here], DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT THIS OH GOD I WOULD HATE YOU SO MUCH.

PS thanks to all my friends who have listened to me obsess and indulged me this last week or so about The Fisherman. I promise I'm giving up on ever seeing him again and I will find something new to obsess about any minute... (giving this post the "stalker" label because I might have maybe gone back to the bar a few times hoping he'd be there again, so I was a little bit of a stalker. Then I realized I really don't like drinking that much and I was being dumb, so I stopped. But still. Gotta be honest.)


  1. It took me a moment to figure out fisherman wasn't code for something. Also Aidra can lick her elbow. It's true :)

    1. Ha! Yes, this post is abnormally free of codes or metaphors. Again: not very me-like!
      And you are a lucky man. ;) But I feel the lesbian community is really missing out...

  2. Totally random, but I can lick my elbow too!!!