Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Hello? Is this thing on?

I almost forgot about this thing! I got off track for a minute there, but here I am! I'm back! Exclamations!

2012 has been slow as far as fodder for stories goes. Let's see if I can sum it all up for you!

-Had a few dates with a guy who started out very promising: cute, smart, photographer, my age, GREAT kisser. Lots of fooling around and good times in that arena, but no actual sex - he had some weird hang-ups. He also, as it turned out, was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, and also kind of boring once he gave up drinking. I called it after 5 dates, pointing out that I was not, in fact, who he wanted to be with (that being his ex), and he agreed (he was very open about actively seeking other dates on OKC the whole time we were dating as well). He does get points for brutal honesty throughout the entire dating period. The 5th date was the one on which this happened:

He mentions his ex (certainly not the first time)
Me: "Are you in touch with [ex]?"
Him: "Yeah, that's who I was Skyping with this morning."
Me: "Are you still in love with her?"
Him: *no hesitation* "Yes. I suppose if I were to call it a day with anyone, it'd be her."
Me: "...so... why did you two break up?"
Him: "Because that's a terrifying concept!"

-Had a few really awesome dates with a fantastically funny, sweet, attentive, smart attractive guy, with whom I felt absolutely zero spark. Big ol' sadface there. Super awkward telling him that, too. Recently noticed he's no longer active on OKC, so hopefully that means he found someone. Really PO'd that my brain and my bod didn't agree on that one.

-Had a few pretty great dates with another really funny, sweet, attentive, smart, attractive guy... same story. No spark. *grumble* Really hoping we can stay friends, but leaving that up to him.

-Went on one date with the gayest straight man ever. He skipped. He giggled. He commented on my "lovely" scarf. He did pretty much everything you'd expect your faaabulous flaming gay guy friend to do, except for the part where he kissed me at the end of the night (and the kiss? yeah, that part was SO not gay). Despite the pretty good kissing, I just couldn't deal. When he said he wanted to come over for "a movie and cuddles," I had to end things. Am I a horrible person? Maybe. But I find that when I'm with effeminate men, I act the way I do when I'm with women: butch. I had roommates who called me "boyfriend." If I'm dating a guy, I want to be the girly one.

-Fell madly, wildly in love with a total stranger in Austin, by which I mean I never learned his name but obsessed about him for 3 days and am still kicking myself a little bit for not flirting better when I met him (and then fumbling the whole thing even more when I got a second chance). Yeah, I obsess. WHAT OF IT.

-Oh yeah, and had a new personal low in the sexy times department.

I went to this up-do cocktail-dress kind of shindig right before the Dreaded February Day of Hearts and Pink Shit with some people. One of them was a dude in his late 20s who is friends with a coworker. Everyone got happily drunk, and I was asked if I thought the people in our group were hot. Yes, we're an attractive bunch. Would I sleep with anyone in the group? "Nah. Well, this guy" *super smooth gesture at coworker's friend who is sitting there listening* "probably I'd sleep with him, but that's it, I think." OH MY GOD SO SHOCKING when later coworker told me his friend wanted to have sex with me. OH REALLY? Maybe because I just said that I would, so I am what you'd call a sure thing? Boy, who's surprised?

Oh, but this gets better. Dudebro, as I shall now call him, lives about 30 mins away. On the Eastside, for you locals. So I get talked into going to his place (which he shares with yet another coworker of mine - and here let me clarify these "coworkers" are not in my department, and I never interact with them. they just work in my building), and he promises he will drive me home the next day. We all get to their place, and the other girl says, wait, I want to go home. Coworker1 borrows Dudebro's car to drive her home.

Dudebro offers me water, we don't talk, and then we're having sex. It's not bad, but it's not great. It's drunkish first time sex. Eh. Afterward, we're laying there, and he calls me by another name. Then he laughs and tries to act like he did that as a joke and it dawns on me... he doesn't know my name.

You may be surprised to learn that this is a first for me. I have never to my knowledge had sex with a guy who didn't at least know my name. We're laying there, naked, post-sexy-times, and I say, "...you don't know my name, do you?"

Dudebro: "of course I do!"
Me: "Yeah? What is it?"
Dudebro: *flustered* "Why would you even ask me that?"
Me: *laughing* "Because you don't know it."
Dudebro: "...okay, I don't! Augh! I'm sorry! I'm really bad with names!" etc etc

I let him squirm for a while (he had the decency to be ashamed, or at least pretended to be) before telling him. I mean, I get it... I forget people's names all the time. But somehow I feel he could have brought that up in conversation at SOME POINT in the 2 hours before at the party, or on the half hour drive home, or any other time before sex happened. At the very least, he could have taken his friend/my coworker aside and asked him my name.

Even better - the next morning was the most awkward morning after everrrr. I wake up, lay there a while and finally wake him up, asking when Coworker will be bringing back his car so he can take me home. He calls Coworker, who says it will be half an hour. Then we lay there. We make a little small talk, but it's mostly me making the effort. After a while he abruptly gets up and starts fiddling on his computer (turns out he's registering for the pass to get across the toll bridge, but he doesn't say a word). I lay there in awkward silence. I notice he has an awful lot of hats. I realize he's put on basketball shorts and a hoodie. I look at the pictures he has on his walls of him with friends and it dawns on me... he's a bro. I just slept with a bro.

Luckily Coworker rode with us to get me home, and he was chattery. And that was that. When we got to my place I stepped out of the car and said, "Well... thanks for the ride. And, uh, the ride." 'Cause after a night like that, you know I've gotta keep it classy. Word.


  1. I accidentally called a girl by the wrong name once while we were dating. We didn't really date after that. Some lessons you learn the hard way.