Teen ANGST

I'm pretty sure at this point, I have maybe one or two readers, so I'm going to continue to post for myself all willy-nilly. Today I'm digging through my old poems again, and came across two Firsts:

-First time I admitted to myself that I am bisexual (although it's clear from the poem that I was still resisting a little)
-First time I admitted to myself that I was seriously depressed

I'm posting the second one here; maybe I'll do the other one later.

Background: I've been dealing with depression and serious self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember. I'm not even kidding; I recall being self-conscious and self-loathing as far back as my single-digit years. This poem was written either in late high school or early college... I know because it was put into my college literary-art magazine in 1998, which would have been my freshman year.

I wrote this at home, at my kitchen table. I'd been making macaroni and cheese (shout out to Kraft!), and was sullenly watching the water boil. Back then, I wouldn't so much write poems and they would write themselves in my head, and I would dutifully commit them to paper. My brain doesn't really do that anymore, which is kind of sad.

ANYWAY

here is the depressing suicidal poem that I wrote. I'm not including the title because I "cleverly" titled it my own first name (on the off chance anyone reading this doesn't actually know me, I go by my middle name, so it was a semi-sneaky way of saying HEY THIS IS ABOUT ME OKAY).

the coarse dark waves
forced roughly over her pale smooth skin
filled with treacherous wrath.
They say it's like going to sleep.
she was so tired.
her eyes closed slowly
 redly veiling the inky dark blueness
as it rapidly blackened.
she opened her mouth
breathing in death as easily as life.
it tasted so awful.
her eyes flew open and were immediately violated
    by salty frustration.
before,
 she was making the choice.
now,
 the decision was snatched away
as her mind overturned and she struggled
  to go back.
I want to go back!
and midnight fell firmly about her.

Average Day

Just another regular run-of-the-mill workday conversation for me.

Peanut: been there, done that

T-Pants: if you say so...
T-Pants: :)

Peanut: puh-lease. what haven't I done, T-Pants? what HAVEN'T I done?

T-Pants: hmm
T-Pants: I can't think of anything
T-Pants: just people
T-Pants: and perhaps places

Peanut: haha
Peanut: yep
Peanut: oh and animals
Peanut: I have never done an animal
Peanut: and never will

T-Pants: !

Peanut: because: ew

T-Pants: amen

Peanut: I'm sorry but I must draw the line somewhere
Peanut: and it is at fur

T-Pants: :)

Peanut: actually, having been friends with a polyamorous kinky person who worked at a sex toy shop, I've learned that there is a TON of stuff I haven't done
Peanut: but I am okay with all of that

T-Pants: hahaha

Peanut: I don't know about you but I don't feel any particular drive to try out a butt plug

T-Pants: Some people love em

Peanut: and that is fine for them
Peanut: I don't feel my butt needs plugging though
Peanut: that's along the same lines as how I don't like when the dude sticks his finger up there

T-Pants: yeah
T-Pants: I feel like a girl really has to ask me to do that
T-Pants: Peanut
T-Pants: here I am
T-Pants: trying to program
T-Pants: trying to drag this project across the line
T-Pants: and now I am thinking about butt plugs and sexy times

Peanut: hooray! I have done my job.

Sexual Harassment

Peanut: apparently i got a decent enough grasp on the last thing they threw at me, so today i get something new  
Peanut: and  
Peanut: my trainer is the guy i slept with a year and a half ago  
Peanut: so it's always awkward when we have to work together

Mrs. H: oh boy  
Mrs. H: well  
Mrs. H: good luck with that  

Peanut: and it takes all my self control not to blurt out "hey remember that time you saw my boobs??"  
Peanut: bc i think it would be hilarious
Peanut: but no  
Peanut: must work  
Peanut: and be professionalish 


Mrs. H: Focus on the Robo-bobcats  
Mrs. H: and work  


Peanut: but his reaction would be AMAZING
Peanut: he would collapse into a puddle of awkward embarrassed goooooo  

Mrs. H: haha  
Mrs. H: resist the temptation  

Peanut: and i'd poke him and sing "iiiiii saw you naaaaaaked, iiiiiiiii saw you naaaaaaaaaked"
Peanut: not a good idea?  

Mrs. H: Well, sure it would be hilarious  
Mrs. H: but the harassment suit would be over so fast  
Mrs. H: and you aren't rich - they'd take your cat  

Peanut: we are in the midst of company-wide sexual harassment training  
Peanut: so it's probably poor timing
Peanut: I knew I should've done it when I first got promoted to this team  
Peanut: or!  
Peanut: i could say i did it as a skit
Peanut: What Not To Do  
Peanut: it's part of the training!  
Peanut: 1. don't sleep with coworkers, 2. don't tease them about it later  

Mrs. H: while Goo Boy just lays there in a puddle of awkwardness  

Peanut: he's shy already so it's possible he'd explode outright  
Peanut: and then who would be left to sue me?  

Mrs. H: his family?
Mrs. H: and they would probably get extra  

Peanut: pfft  

Mrs. H: "Embarrassment induced explosion" is likely to get the sympathy of the jury

Kickin it Old School

I have a treat for you! Okay, either a treat or torture, depending on your viewpoint, but either way: yay stuff!

There was a hacking incident at my real website's host, and I had to change my FTP password. When I logged into the FTP to test it, I realized I hadn't looked at this shit in years. Guys! Guys! My old poetry is still on there! That's right, poetry from high school and college. Stuff that was published (in the school literary art magazines BUT STILL).

So what I want to do is share some of those, and tell the stories behind them! Woo! Are you super excited? ARE YOU? Because I can promise you that I was SUUUUUUUUper emo back then. I mean, I still am, but back then I was all HERE IS MY EMOTION ON PAPER FOR ALL TO SEEEEEE and then I would run and hide and act like I didn't have anything to do with it once someone was actually reading it. But man... I felt shit. DEEP.

BAM. Poem number one is a gem that I wrote my senior year of high school, which was published in the college lit-art mag my freshman year (1998, oh god I feel old).

Chin Up, Old Chap!

I just wanted to do a quick post since my last one was so dark and dreary and pathetic and all those other sad adjectives. Work's been rough lately, the weather's been miserable, and little things just really take their toll on me sometimes. Saying I accept I may never have a real relationship again is one thing; really accepting it in both mind and heart is another altogether. Everything combined just led me to a really ridiculously shitty couple of days.

The good news is that the more I accept things, the less miserable I am. At this point, I've accepted my current situation as a fun, casual something-or-other, and I will just have to keep trying to learn more at work so it won't be so difficult. I can't do a damn thing about the weather, sadly, but winter always treats me like its little bitch, so I should be used to it by now!

In other news, can we please talk about pheromones? Do you ever kiss someone because you like being around him/her and you think there should probably be Something there, even though you don't feel any sexual tension when you're hanging out? It's a mad disappointment. Really nice, attractive, hilarious, easy to talk to, easy to be with, great date planner, sweet, attentive, totally into me, smart... but I just didn't feel any need to be touching him. We kissed, and it just felt like lips smooshing lips. I could smell his face and that just made it even weirder. He wasn't a bad kisser, but I may as well have been making out with my own hand for all I felt. Telling someone who is in every other way totally awesome that you simply don't feel a spark is SO. AWKWARD. And trust me, trying to continue dating someone that you've realized you have no interest even kissing, not to mention humping, is awful.

Why doesn't this happen in the movies? In the movies, the first kiss scene almost always cuts to a bed scene, either steamy or post-steamy. No matter the circumstances of the two parties getting together, there's never a weird "Oh. Huh. So turns out there's no spark. Sorry" moment following the first kiss. It's always fireworks and pounding hearts and pulsing sexy parts for both people.

Why do some people make your loins tingle even if you're just thinking about them, even if they're probably wrong for you in most other ways? Why do these mysterious little scientific bits called pheromones have so much power over us? Is that what settling means? Settling for someone who is good in every other way, but just doesn't get your passions roaring? Is it selfish of me to want it all?

Things I'm accepting: it is entirely possible I will not ever be in a real, loving relationship again in my life. This is a truth for a lot of people, and I may be one of them. I realize 32 isn't exactly old maid spinster cutoff age, but I feel like if I just go ahead and accept the possibility this may be my life, it will much easier to deal with getting there. Already it has helped me calm down about my current dating situation, and be okay with a very casual situation that is not likely to lead to anything serious, ever. Why can't I just have some fun and occasional companionship along the way? Even if it does mean sometimes having awkward conversations about missing chemistry... when the chemistry is in my favor, I'm gonna enjoy it. Something inside me decided sometime in the last year that I really wanted a relationship, something real, something lasting, etc etc. But you know what, sometimes you just gotta tell your own self to shut it.

Now go forth, and spend entirely too long thinking about the mechanics of kissing, because holy shit guys that is a REALLY weird thing to be doing with your mouth, especially without any sexy stirrings to go along with it.

A Summary

I keep wanting to post something funny, or meaningful, or at least sort of entertaining, but the only thing rolling around my head is "everything hurts." I want to express myself, put what I'm feeling into words, give this monster a face so I can fight it, but again: all I seem to be able to say is "everything hurts." I'm like a 4 year old unable to stop crying and point out the owies after tumbling ass-over-ears down a rocky hillside for what feels like years. What hurts? Your tummy? Your knee? Your head? Everything. Everything hurts.

Yep, that awful depression from October has swung back by. I don't want to see people, I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to do a damn thing. All my energy is being used up trying to avoid thoughts of ... well, that bad dark stuff that nobody is supposed to talk about but that everyone who has ever suffered from genuine depression is all too familiar with. My only comfort at the moment is that I know I'm strong enough to keep fighting that off until this passes. The downside is that I'm slowly losing the strength to do anything but that.

These snow/ice days keeping me from making it in to the office have been a blessing for me. And now a weekend with no plans looms, and I couldn't be more relieved. Feeling like a total failure at pretty much every single aspect of life is exhausting, and if there's one thing I know I can succeed at, it's wasting a whole lot of time without ever leaving my home. Weekend? Let's succeed at THAT.

Texts From Last Night: My Version

Pretty high, pretty drunk. Decided to text with Hedgehog.

Me: I an clearly not relationship potential & that's not gonna change so I give up  
Me: Am  
Me: I still see typos  

Hedgehog: Of course you see typos. You're you.  

Me: Up  
Me: I give
Me: On things  
Me: It's sprinkling on my phone  

Hedgehog: Booooo. Don't. Giving up is a horrible idea.  

Me: Sprinkle sprinkle  
Me: Giving! Up ¡  

Hedgehog: ???  

Me: $pr1nk73
Me: I want a cheeseburger  

Hedgehog: You are really fucked up, aren't you? :)  

Me: I an walking home & finding it funny  
Me: Am  
Me: And funding my reality funny  
Me: Single forever? That's hilarious!!
Me: Raaaaaaain on my phone? SO FUNNY  

Hedgehog: Hee  
Hedgehog: Yeah, I laugh every day  

Me: The weird SPRINLE
Me: Hsaaaaaa  

Hedgehog: Wow.

Me: Sprinkle!!! Am I sucky? Okay. I meant "right" but that one is toooo funny to fix.
Me: Laughing so hard am cryin fc  

Hedgehog: True. I'm saving all these, so you know.

Me: Weird. Sprinle.  
Me: Heeeeeee

And then I got home and passed out pretty much immediately.