Monday, November 7, 2011

How NOT to Kiss

I've smooched some bad kissers in my day. In college there was a fella who seemed to think he should be inhaling during the makeouts, so that when we pulled apart there was an audible popping noise.Thus we have:

1. Don't kiss like a vacuum.

And anyone who is a fan of Sex & the City (which I would guess is many of you who are also fans of this blog) might recall the episode where Charlotte's date licks her face and sucks on her chin. Gah.

2. Don't kiss like a happy puppy.

I've mentioned previously in this blog that if you have to wipe your face off after someone kisses you, everything is wrong.

3. Don't kiss like a drooly baby. (wait... are there other kinds of babies? I don't know.)

Once while drunkenly making out with a younger guy, he came in too fast and too hard and actually busted my lip with his teeth.

4. Don't kiss like a hockey puck.

French-kissing is weird if you think about it too long, but it's definitely enjoyable if both parties are using their tongues properly. Darting your tongue rapidly in and out of the other person's mouth is NOT using it properly.

5. Don't kiss like a hungry lizard.

Also, my throat? Doesn't need to be licked. I get it, you have a long tongue. I have better places on my person for you to prove how far you can stick it out.

6. Don't kiss like a strep test.

One final tip... and this one is not from my personal experience...


Yep. Not long ago, a friend of mine was sharing a story about a date she went on. The guy seemed all right until it came to smoochin' time. He asked her to open her mouth. Confused, she complied. And he? HE SPIT IN HER MOUTH.

I was pretty drunk when she told this story, but holy shit you just do not forget that kind of thing. I'm pretty sure her reaction was to tell him, hey, don't do that! Really? Really?? Because I'm almost positive my reaction would be to VOMIT ON HIM.


  1. Also, a little tender face touching is okay, but squishing someone's face while smooching is not cool. When we pull apart, I don't want you to think "wait, why am I kissing a trout?"

  2. That reminds me of a girl I used to date. I would have to wash my face after the goodnight kiss.