Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Cheerleader Syndrome

I have been slacking at actual posts with whole sentences and paragraphs and such lately!

I feel like I've been on quite the penis kick lately (ow, penis kick), but rather than apologize and find a new topic, I'm just going to ride it out (heyoooo). There's a phenomenon I refer to as "Cheerleader Syndrome." It's when a girl who has been exceedingly pretty and has been told she's beautiful her whole life never develops a personality past what it takes to look good. Obviously, not all pretty girls are personality-free, because as I've pointed out before, I don't know any ladies who aren't pretty. But you know the type, surely. Her whole life has been about looking her best, being gorgeous, smiling and batting her eyelashes, and... not much else. She's pretty. She gets attention no matter what comes out of her mouth. These are the women who grow up to be trophy wives.

Well, there's a guy equivalent. I don't just mean attractive men who don't have a brain cell to spare, though the "Cheerleader Syndrome" surely affects men as well. Hell, I like to tell my cat that it's okay when he's dumb, because he's so damn pretty yes he is ooooh who's a pretty cat? (what? as if you don't talk to your pets like an idiot?) I mean the Big Dick issue.

Let me first stress that there are plenty of guys out there with big ol' weenies who are just fab in the sack. FAB, guys. I went British on your asses, that's how strongly I mean it.

What I've discovered, though, in both my own experiences and in talking to other women, is that guys with especially large johnsons (hey, there's some slang I haven't heard in a long time! ...and I'm pretty okay with that) seem to believe that's all it takes to get laid. "Here it is, and it's HUGE, so you're happy, yeah?" Um, no?

I'm sure many of my readers who have slept with dudes are now thinking, oh my god I know what she's talking about, but those who haven't are going, whaaaaaaat? At least that is what I'm going to tell myself. It does seem odd the first time you try to consider the idea that a man can, in fact, just lay there during sex. Everyone knows about the "dead fish" lay, wherein the lady just flops there, motionless, and lets the guy do all the work. But friends... guys do it too.

It makes me want to scream, "PARTICIPATE, dammit!" Just because your trouser snake is a full-grown ball python (ball python. BALL. hee.) does not mean your partner is one lucky lady and should just appreciate all this glorious dick you are so kindly bestowing unto her bits. It feels good for all of a second, and then if you're not workin' it, I'm bored. You hear that? I AM BORED OF YOUR DICK. Give me a teeny peenie any day if that's the best you've got, 'cause those dudes made a fuckin effort (see what I did there? it's a fuckin effort... an effort at fuckin... DAMN I'm good).

Again, not all guys who happen to be blessed with a hefty endowment are bad in bed. Not at all. I've just found, ratio-wise, more guys who are above-average in the crotchal area tend to be below-average in the sheets, and vice-versa.  So my message here is: don't rely on your pipe size to do the pleasin'. And ladies, you know, do your part, too. The dead fish move is sooooo 1990 (I was not having sex in 1990, I have no idea).