As I mentioned recently, I've reactivated my OKC account. I'm still using it for people watching - not sending messages, not responding to messages. I even changed my profile so that it's completely ridiculous, just to have fun with it. I figured I'd get some really funny guys in with the super creepos that I am now pretty much inviting to my inbox.
Basically I rambled about the game Draw Something and how my friends and I draw penises in almost every round and how I find that completely hilarious. At another point, I talk about pooping. It's just me being as outlandish as I am, and not giving a shit if anyone cares to try to flirt with me because again: no dating for Peanut.
Not surprisingly, I'm getting some interesting messages.
"You're a weirdass motherfucker. Interesting though. Good job ;o"
"What is a Golem penis? This seems like crucial information I should know, as my people did invent the Golem." (oh... um... so I know the character in LotR is spelled "Gollum," but my friend was drawing "Golem" for me and either didn't know the difference or just thought this would be easier to guess/draw, so he drew a penis Gollum. the word was Golem. So on my profile I probably should have spelled it right, but in my defense I filled out the new profile while stoned. Either way. Points to me for confusing someone, I guess.)
Several messages saying how I'm really funny/hilarious and then attempting to join in on the humor by saying something about penises, poop, or boobs, but not actually managing to be funny at all. One guy sent me a long joke about old guys and technology that ended with one of the old dudes walking around with toilet paper hanging out of his ass, so that was at least effort, but mostly just weird because the first 2 old guys had phones embedded in their flesh so, you know... WHAT.
"Your profile cracked me up! Doing stand up yet?" Yep. It's all about peens. And I sit down while I do it. Because I'm pooping.
"Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello!!! .... A lot of people often
comment that by just sending that to someone isn't enough to catch
attention warranting a response. Obviously my ingenius fix to this is to
type it six times instead of once. Hello!"
And then I got 2 in a row asking me if penis size matters. Even stranger: both guys who sent me messages asking that are from Las Vegas, and one of them has now deleted his profile. OKC TROLLS! I have opened my virtual door to them, I suppose.
Showing posts with label online dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label online dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
OKC, I didn't really miss you
I re-activated my OkCupid account the other night out of sheer boredom.
1. I'm well aware I'm in no place mentally or emotionally to be dating
2. I've accepted that I'm not keen on the idea of meeting someone via the interwebz
3. I don't have a number 3 but my list looked sad with only 2
All that safely in my noggin, I realized I missed browsing the site. It's like people-watching from the comfort of my couch! It's just weirdly fascinating and so, here I am again. And just now as I was browsing about, enjoying witty profiles, cringing at sad ones, I got a new message. Eh?
*click*
Do you like to laugh?
You are so good looking that I would let you do anything to me, even make me look ridiculous, just to see you smile.
Have any ideas? lol
Presented to you here without comment. But... you know... heeee. I lied. I can't not comment just a little bit! These guys EXIST. And they're IN MY CITY. And I am thus reminded why it is so much better for me to remain single for the foreseeable future. Thanks, random OKC dude! (though he is of course totally normal compared to this guy...)
1. I'm well aware I'm in no place mentally or emotionally to be dating
2. I've accepted that I'm not keen on the idea of meeting someone via the interwebz
3. I don't have a number 3 but my list looked sad with only 2
All that safely in my noggin, I realized I missed browsing the site. It's like people-watching from the comfort of my couch! It's just weirdly fascinating and so, here I am again. And just now as I was browsing about, enjoying witty profiles, cringing at sad ones, I got a new message. Eh?
*click*
Do you like to laugh?
You are so good looking that I would let you do anything to me, even make me look ridiculous, just to see you smile.
Have any ideas? lol
Presented to you here without comment. But... you know... heeee. I lied. I can't not comment just a little bit! These guys EXIST. And they're IN MY CITY. And I am thus reminded why it is so much better for me to remain single for the foreseeable future. Thanks, random OKC dude! (though he is of course totally normal compared to this guy...)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Maze Theory
Something is bugging me, and I'm bugging my friends. Solution? Blog about it! Get it out of my head and onto the interwebz and hope that lets my brain calm down (being an obsessive type is pretty exhausting) and move on and not fuck me over.
I'm going to paint you a picture. If a picture is worth a thousand words, does that mean it's going to take me a thousand words to describe this? Jeez, I hope not.
Have you seen Labyrinth? If not, you should probably just stop reading right now and go watch it, because WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? If you are old enough to be reading this blog, you are old enough to have Labyrinth be part of your required childhood movie-watching curriculum! I mean, COME ON. You totally get to see David Bowie's junk (through spandex), and it's sort of amazing. Plus there are bits of the movie (not THOSE bits) that are completely terrifying to a young child and they just don't do that to kids anymore (seriously, remember The Dark Crystal? Holy fuck).
Okay, you've seen the movie now? You're ready? The whole premise of the movie - and if you're lazy or stubborn and still haven't seen it, don't worry, I'm pretty sure this is not a spoiler - is that a young girl is trapped in a giant maze. It's been a while, but I remember it being made largely of huge hedges. This is important. This is the picture I want you to have in your head: a massive maze made of huge hedges. (Let's take a second to appreciate that alliteration.)
I'm going to paint you a picture. If a picture is worth a thousand words, does that mean it's going to take me a thousand words to describe this? Jeez, I hope not.
Have you seen Labyrinth? If not, you should probably just stop reading right now and go watch it, because WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? If you are old enough to be reading this blog, you are old enough to have Labyrinth be part of your required childhood movie-watching curriculum! I mean, COME ON. You totally get to see David Bowie's junk (through spandex), and it's sort of amazing. Plus there are bits of the movie (not THOSE bits) that are completely terrifying to a young child and they just don't do that to kids anymore (seriously, remember The Dark Crystal? Holy fuck).
Okay, you've seen the movie now? You're ready? The whole premise of the movie - and if you're lazy or stubborn and still haven't seen it, don't worry, I'm pretty sure this is not a spoiler - is that a young girl is trapped in a giant maze. It's been a while, but I remember it being made largely of huge hedges. This is important. This is the picture I want you to have in your head: a massive maze made of huge hedges. (Let's take a second to appreciate that alliteration.)
Friday, October 21, 2011
THANKS OKCupid!
My birthday was this last week, and on the day I received an email from OKCupid:
"Happy birthday! Are you still single?"
...yep. I appreciate the reminder on this special day!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Just... WHAT?
Got a message on OKCupid tonight.
So I have decide you are the coolest person I have seen on here in the last day. I am... TOTALLY... going to steal you... put you on the magic carpet, so we can fly... ALL THE WAY... to Italy, and chase Kangaroos. There aren't even any Kangaroos in Italy... BUT-in my world there is.
I can't even make any witty remarks to make this better. THIS IS GOLD, PEOPLE.
So I have decide you are the coolest person I have seen on here in the last day. I am... TOTALLY... going to steal you... put you on the magic carpet, so we can fly... ALL THE WAY... to Italy, and chase Kangaroos. There aren't even any Kangaroos in Italy... BUT-in my world there is.
I can't even make any witty remarks to make this better. THIS IS GOLD, PEOPLE.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
On Dating
I got back on OKC a few days ago. I was a little surprised to see that the Swede had already re-joined and was making changes to his profile - we'd both deactivated our accounts, but he was saved as a "favorite" on mine from when we were first emailing, and as soon as I re-activated and logged in, OKC was all "Guess what the Swede has been up to!" Oh. Timestamped a whole 2 days after the breakup, even? Well... all right then.
Once I was done processing that information, I went ahead and started revamping my own profile. Namely, I added the following:
I am not, in fact, actively seeking a monogamous relationship. Being single is pretty rad and I quite enjoy it. That said, I'm also not looking for any kind of "friends with benefit" arrangements - that implies a lack of emotional intimacy and accountability that I find pointless. I'm also not against the idea of finding myself in a monogamous relationship, but it's not something I'm trying for or willing to rush into.
Once I was done processing that information, I went ahead and started revamping my own profile. Namely, I added the following:
I am not, in fact, actively seeking a monogamous relationship. Being single is pretty rad and I quite enjoy it. That said, I'm also not looking for any kind of "friends with benefit" arrangements - that implies a lack of emotional intimacy and accountability that I find pointless. I'm also not against the idea of finding myself in a monogamous relationship, but it's not something I'm trying for or willing to rush into.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Stigma-tism
The word "stigma" always makes me think of astigmatism. Is there a stigma about astigmatism? I know there's still a bit of one about online dating.
"Online dating"... makes it sound like you're doing the dating online, which is usually not the case when someone mentions it. Generally they're referring to one of the many sites out there set up to help people meet dates/partners/lovers/whatever: match, okcupid, eharmony, etc.
I've already mentioned that I have used okcupid in the past. For the most part, I just sort of poke at it, message a few people here and there, but rarely actually meet dudes I chat with. I grow bored with them quickly, or they didn't interest me in the first place, or I just decide that I really don't want to be bothered with dating after all. It's exhausting and especially in the last year or so, I've really enjoyed being single. I have dated, sure, but casually. I haven't felt the need to go places with someone, to hold hands in public, to text someone about his day or to say goodnight. I liked not checking in with anyone when I wanted to make plans; not sharing my bed; not worrying about shaving my legs; not fretting that if I eat that macaroni and cheese, I will be tooting the evening away.
Now I have a boyfriend.
"Online dating"... makes it sound like you're doing the dating online, which is usually not the case when someone mentions it. Generally they're referring to one of the many sites out there set up to help people meet dates/partners/lovers/whatever: match, okcupid, eharmony, etc.
I've already mentioned that I have used okcupid in the past. For the most part, I just sort of poke at it, message a few people here and there, but rarely actually meet dudes I chat with. I grow bored with them quickly, or they didn't interest me in the first place, or I just decide that I really don't want to be bothered with dating after all. It's exhausting and especially in the last year or so, I've really enjoyed being single. I have dated, sure, but casually. I haven't felt the need to go places with someone, to hold hands in public, to text someone about his day or to say goodnight. I liked not checking in with anyone when I wanted to make plans; not sharing my bed; not worrying about shaving my legs; not fretting that if I eat that macaroni and cheese, I will be tooting the evening away.
Now I have a boyfriend.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Too Good to be True?
Recently I've been doing some research into the concept of polyamory for a future post. It's a fascinating idea and where I live, there's quite a large community of folks who practice poly. There are all sorts of different ... arrangements, I guess would be the word, in the community. But that's all to come later!
Part of my research is poking around in the sometimes-skeezy underbelly of Craigslist personals. It's amazing the number of married folks on there posting for affairs. Sometimes they wish you to be "discrete," which quite frankly cracks me up every time.
In all this poking around, I found a fascinating post that seems too good to be true. So of course, I emailed the fella who posted it, and asked a few questions.
First, his post:
He also posted a photo of his upper torso, shirtless, and ladies? He's in GOOOOOD shape. So, what's the catch here? I get some hot "well-endowed" dude to please my brains out, and I get to play around on the side? And that's not just okay, but even encouraged? I... um... hm. I'm sorry, I'm sleeping, right?
So I emailed him. "How did you discover this was something you enjoyed? What is it about this particular arrangement that appeals to you?" I told him I write a blog that frequently deals with topics of sex and relationships, and that this was the first I'd encountered of that sort of ... setup.
Today, he replied, and he's VERY polite.
Greetings!
How did I discover this was something I liked? I wish I had an answer, but I don't. It's just always been something that I have loved, desired, and wanted. What is it that appeals to me? It is seeing that my woman is getting pleased, taken into ecstasy, and absorbed in pleasure. It's knowing that this is MY woman that I am sharing, and that I have allowed/made this happen. I want to watch her totally absorbed in pleasure and happiness. I love it when my woman is happy and pleasured. It is hard to describe, but overall it's about wanting to know and witness and share with the woman that I love that she is being totally pleasured and taken and imbued. So, on your blog, you can simply state that there are men out there who really want to have the greatest pleasure for their partner. And this...is that. A woman who can be completely and totally free to enjoy themselves with others, and know that they can come home to a man will always be with them through it all. How's that sound to you?
In Peace
How does that sound to me? Well... still fishy. Am I too jaded? How does it sound to YOU?
(I just remembered that a lot of people will skim this... so to be clear: I didn't email him because I'm interested in taking him up on his offer. I just emailed to ask questions because it's a curious situation. I'm researching polyamory and this, technically, falls under that topic.)
Part of my research is poking around in the sometimes-skeezy underbelly of Craigslist personals. It's amazing the number of married folks on there posting for affairs. Sometimes they wish you to be "discrete," which quite frankly cracks me up every time.
In all this poking around, I found a fascinating post that seems too good to be true. So of course, I emailed the fella who posted it, and asked a few questions.
First, his post:
Good Day to all,
I have a proposition which many women may have never encountered, but I assure you is wonderful. I am seeking a woman that I can treat like a queen...that I can connect with emotionally and intellectually, and that I can love deeply. And there's just a little bit more that you'll find particularly intriguing...
I'm a handsome, intelligent, healthy, stable, totally sane, dd free, very well-endowed, own my own home and cars, stable income, and the like. And I have a very interesting and passionate desire that I would like to live out. Ok...now to the unique part. I have always received the most satisfaction by making absolutely sure that the woman I am with is totally satisfied in every way. I derive a lot of pleasure out of knowing that she is very happy. I hope that makes some sense. I'll explain in more detail. For me, it's all about you. I happen to be very well endowed. I'm 9" and thick. I have a lot to work with and the ability to use it well. But there's this one thing.. it would be simply wonderful if I can see the woman that I love and care for completely enjoying herself on a sexual level as well . Basically, the lifestyle that I am seeking is about truly, deeply loving and caring for the woman in my life...and at the same time finding a great deal of pleasure and fun in seeing her enjoy herself with any other man that she wants. I want to care for and support a woman who is free to be with other guys all she wants. One unbreakable rule of this kind of caring and loving relationship is that I will not be allowed to sleep with anyone else but you. That's what I'm looking for in this relationship. It is intimate and caring, and there is much to share. It's a cuckold relationship...and if that is something that you would be interested in, then please let me know.
While you get the support of enjoying yourself as much as you want with anyone that you may wish, whenever you like, I will try and make sure that you are getting everything else that you need to be happy. If this sounds like a lifestyle that would work for you, then please let me know! The picture below is of me, taken about a year ago. I'm for real. My work allows me quite a bit of freedom. This is an honest and serious offer. I look forward to hearing from you. Please respond with "free" in the subject line so that I can be certain that you aren't a robot. Thank you! And good luck and peace on your searches!
He also posted a photo of his upper torso, shirtless, and ladies? He's in GOOOOOD shape. So, what's the catch here? I get some hot "well-endowed" dude to please my brains out, and I get to play around on the side? And that's not just okay, but even encouraged? I... um... hm. I'm sorry, I'm sleeping, right?
So I emailed him. "How did you discover this was something you enjoyed? What is it about this particular arrangement that appeals to you?" I told him I write a blog that frequently deals with topics of sex and relationships, and that this was the first I'd encountered of that sort of ... setup.
Today, he replied, and he's VERY polite.
Greetings!
How did I discover this was something I liked? I wish I had an answer, but I don't. It's just always been something that I have loved, desired, and wanted. What is it that appeals to me? It is seeing that my woman is getting pleased, taken into ecstasy, and absorbed in pleasure. It's knowing that this is MY woman that I am sharing, and that I have allowed/made this happen. I want to watch her totally absorbed in pleasure and happiness. I love it when my woman is happy and pleasured. It is hard to describe, but overall it's about wanting to know and witness and share with the woman that I love that she is being totally pleasured and taken and imbued. So, on your blog, you can simply state that there are men out there who really want to have the greatest pleasure for their partner. And this...is that. A woman who can be completely and totally free to enjoy themselves with others, and know that they can come home to a man will always be with them through it all. How's that sound to you?
In Peace
How does that sound to me? Well... still fishy. Am I too jaded? How does it sound to YOU?
(I just remembered that a lot of people will skim this... so to be clear: I didn't email him because I'm interested in taking him up on his offer. I just emailed to ask questions because it's a curious situation. I'm researching polyamory and this, technically, falls under that topic.)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Glitter Dump
No, this isn't a story about glittery poop, although if I had a story about glittery poop, you can bet your ass I'd be sharing it.
Fun fact: I think talking about poop is the height of hilarity, but I WILL NOT let anyone hear me poop. Hell, I run the water when I pee. Why? Fuck if I know. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember, literally. Mom says I started when I was 3 and she doesn't know where I picked it up, either.
One time a boyfriend and I ate out, and despite taking my magical Lactaid pills, my stomach became quite irate (like how God gets when you waste sperm) on the drive home. By the time we got to my place, I wanted to burst... but instead, I suggested he start a movie and I would join him in a few minutes. I found a movie, put it in, and waited until it was good and started (meaning, lots of sound going on) before I went to the bathroom and let it all go. With the water running. I'm not asking for this to make sense. I'm just relating the tale of pain and woe. As crass I have become, I guess I still retain some of that good ol' Southern Belle decorum somewhere in me. SO NO POOP NOISES. But I'll tell you all about it afterward.
Sidebar over.
Glitter dump actually is the title I'm giving my story about the time I was dumped while covered in glitter. CREATIVE.
Fun fact: I think talking about poop is the height of hilarity, but I WILL NOT let anyone hear me poop. Hell, I run the water when I pee. Why? Fuck if I know. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember, literally. Mom says I started when I was 3 and she doesn't know where I picked it up, either.
One time a boyfriend and I ate out, and despite taking my magical Lactaid pills, my stomach became quite irate (like how God gets when you waste sperm) on the drive home. By the time we got to my place, I wanted to burst... but instead, I suggested he start a movie and I would join him in a few minutes. I found a movie, put it in, and waited until it was good and started (meaning, lots of sound going on) before I went to the bathroom and let it all go. With the water running. I'm not asking for this to make sense. I'm just relating the tale of pain and woe. As crass I have become, I guess I still retain some of that good ol' Southern Belle decorum somewhere in me. SO NO POOP NOISES. But I'll tell you all about it afterward.
Sidebar over.
Glitter dump actually is the title I'm giving my story about the time I was dumped while covered in glitter. CREATIVE.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Hump Day!
I know why it's called that, but really? We couldn't think of anything better? That's just BEGGING for awful sex jokes.
My brain is incapable of forming comprehensive thoughts today. I got a ticket (of the work-related sort, not the oops-I-broke-the-law sort) this morning that I've read about 10 times and it still doesn't make any sense to me (or any of my co-workers), so I'm continuing to just stare at it. Which means, lovely friends, you don't get any kind of thought-provoking and/or hiiii-larious post from me today. You get blank stares, links, and haiku.
G-Funk and I have decided to communicate only in haiku. This morning, regarding my plans to ride a bicycle in public in just a few days, while quite nude:
me:
Naked in public
The day draws ever closer
What was I thinking?
It’s gonna be cold
And will probably rain too
Stupid Seattle!
G-Funk:
Bouncing naked jibs
Painted like a circus clown
You are so so brave
me:
Can’t stop laughing now
Will forever call them “jibs”
This will get me through
Also I have just found this blog about a girl's experiences using the free online dating site OKCupid. Could it BE more relevant to this blog's interests? </Chandler> It's a "tumblr." I don't understand tumblr. I'm sorry, I JUST DON'T GET IT. It's a blog that's not a blog? How is it different than a blog? Or is it just a blog with a different name?? HELP ME UNNERSTAN.
My brain is incapable of forming comprehensive thoughts today. I got a ticket (of the work-related sort, not the oops-I-broke-the-law sort) this morning that I've read about 10 times and it still doesn't make any sense to me (or any of my co-workers), so I'm continuing to just stare at it. Which means, lovely friends, you don't get any kind of thought-provoking and/or hiiii-larious post from me today. You get blank stares, links, and haiku.
G-Funk and I have decided to communicate only in haiku. This morning, regarding my plans to ride a bicycle in public in just a few days, while quite nude:
me:
Naked in public
The day draws ever closer
What was I thinking?
It’s gonna be cold
And will probably rain too
Stupid Seattle!
G-Funk:
Bouncing naked jibs
Painted like a circus clown
You are so so brave
me:
Can’t stop laughing now
Will forever call them “jibs”
This will get me through
Also I have just found this blog about a girl's experiences using the free online dating site OKCupid. Could it BE more relevant to this blog's interests? </Chandler> It's a "tumblr." I don't understand tumblr. I'm sorry, I JUST DON'T GET IT. It's a blog that's not a blog? How is it different than a blog? Or is it just a blog with a different name?? HELP ME UNNERSTAN.
Friday, June 3, 2011
It puts the lotion on its skin...
Time to get back to some dating misadventure stories! Yaaaaaaay!
When I first moved to a new city in 2006, I was far enough from everyone I knew to be pretty well isolated. I worked at a job where my coworkers were all old and/or married, and everyone I met through that job was older and very business-y. There weren't many bars in my town, and I wasn't comfortable just wandering down to them solo anyway. What's a sex addict to do?
Online dating! I turned to OkCupid, because it's free and I'm pretty much in a constant state of trying to save money. This is the story of Bill (as in Buffalo), one of the first guys I met from this, my first foray into the online dating world.
Bill and I exchanged AIM usernames and chatted a bit, decided things were good, and made arrangements to meet at a restaurant at a pretty big shopping area between us. I was being Smart and Safe! Public areas! Yay! We met, we ate, we got along, he made me laugh, la la la.
Then as we stood up from the table, he reached over, grabbed my hand, and rubbed his thumb across the inside of my wrist. Then he let go. I looked up at him (tall guy) and said, "Um. What was that?"
"Your skin looks so soft, I just wanted to feel."
"..."
When I first moved to a new city in 2006, I was far enough from everyone I knew to be pretty well isolated. I worked at a job where my coworkers were all old and/or married, and everyone I met through that job was older and very business-y. There weren't many bars in my town, and I wasn't comfortable just wandering down to them solo anyway. What's a sex addict to do?
Online dating! I turned to OkCupid, because it's free and I'm pretty much in a constant state of trying to save money. This is the story of Bill (as in Buffalo), one of the first guys I met from this, my first foray into the online dating world.
Bill and I exchanged AIM usernames and chatted a bit, decided things were good, and made arrangements to meet at a restaurant at a pretty big shopping area between us. I was being Smart and Safe! Public areas! Yay! We met, we ate, we got along, he made me laugh, la la la.
Then as we stood up from the table, he reached over, grabbed my hand, and rubbed his thumb across the inside of my wrist. Then he let go. I looked up at him (tall guy) and said, "Um. What was that?"
"Your skin looks so soft, I just wanted to feel."
"..."
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The Craigslist Date
First, quickly, I have an update on Scooter! I'm not trying to turn this into StalkerBlog '11, but the guy just won't go away. This morning around 1 am, I awoke to my phone lighting up and going BONG! Yeah, I'm not smart enough to turn the volume off when I go to sleep. These things happen.
"How about a second chance? I was distracted by my living situation and life in general but I really liked you and want to try again! What do you say?"
What do I say? WHAT DO I SAY? Hmmm... where do I begin? That's the real question. "Can you go back in time and un-kill those kittens?" "HELL NO, you are a creepy muthafucka!!" "Is this a joke?" "The person you are trying to reach was taken by the Rapture. This is an automated reply. Please do not respond."
What I really said? *chirp chirp* Absolutely nothing.
And now on to the real story, which some of you from Facebook may remember, but come on! It's a good one! And it seems fitting post-non-Rapture to tell the story of a guy who tried to invite me to church on our first and only date! I hope he believed with all his little heart and sold everything he owns in preparation for the regular old gray cold Saturday we had yesterday.
November 2009 was kind of rough for me. Actually, the entire last quarter of 2009 was rough for me, THANKS A LOT CHEF WHO DUMPED ME TWICE. *ahem* So I decided to try responding to a Craigslist personal. I do have friends who have had good luck with those. I'd actually found a guy in my area & age range who wasn't gross or a weirdo or asking for "a submissive princess" or "discreet meetup" (because he's married), etc. If you've ever poked through the CL personals, you know that's rare.
We talk on the phone, he seems okay, we meet up... he's 10 minutes late (which leaves me sitting in the freezing cold waiting) with no apology, wearing an old t-shirt and torn jeans with long johns underneath. I'm no fashionista and I'm generally always in jeans and a t-shirt, but he couldn't even find jeans without a GIANT hole in the knee? Okay, okay... he's not unattractive and he's pretty interesting, so I figure, I'm already here, I'll just hang out. We were meeting to see a movie I really wanted to see (what's that? me making excuses for my boy retardation? ARE WE SURPRISED?). We start walking and talking while we wait to be let into the theater (Central Cinema for you locals), and at some point he tells me that he met a cute girl on the bus on the way there and they chatted a while.
I feel I need to put lots of parenthetical commentary in for you lovely readers just so you can get the full effect of this bit - plus it totally makes it look like I am a Writer of Plays.
me (sarcastic): "Yeah? How'd that work out for you?"
him (totally sincere): "Well, I was surprised she was interested, so that was cool, but ..." (suddenly seems to realize he is talking to his DATE and not his buddies) "uh, I mean, it obviously didn't work out, you know, 'cause I still came here to meet you." (beams at me as though I am one lucky bitch and why am I not kissing his face off in gratitude right now?)
me (with some degree of disbelief because is he for real?): "Wow. And you're sharing this with me why?"
him (proud as fuck and grinning): "I'm an open book!"
He also later asked me about my religious beliefs (I'm pretty sure it was not a natural segue either), and I said I'm agnostic. He laughed and said he thinks being agnostic is just lazy, and told me all about some church in my neighborhood he thinks I should attend.
I replied, "You know what? You're right. I am just being lazy! I'm so glad you came along and gave me that motivational kick in the butt I so desperately needed. What time is church?"
Wait. No. I just sort of stared at him and changed the subject. Because, hi, I grew up going to church 3 times a week, every week. Then I went to a Christian university where I took 5 semesters of Bible courses AND attended Chapel every damn weekday. THEN... I married a preacher's son. But no, you're right, I'M JUST LAZY. I have NO idea what the beliefs are that I'm questioning or the denominations I'm denouncing. Clearly.
At the end of the night, we walked outside and I wanted desperately to just say "bye" and run away, but I have a tiny bit of proper Southern girl in me. He was poking at his phone, yammering about complicated bus routes, clearly hinting for a ride home. Finally I got sick of standing in the 20 degree weather waiting for him to shut up, so I interrupted, "Okay, nice to meet you."
He looked up, genuinely surprised that I was not leaping at the opportunity to drive his sorry ass home. He said, "Oh, yeah, I was gonna say that, nice to meet you, and--" I cut him off with, "There's no and." I actually said this to the guy. I followed that with, "the end." Rude, but oh so satisfying. He looked a little confused but said, "Yeah, I guess we'll see how this pans out." How WHAT pans out? What part of "the end" does not compute?? I gave up - I turned and walked away.
A couple of weeks later, I got an email from him - "Hey I had a good time on our date. I'd be up for doing it again if you are."
Ladies, if you'd like to touch me and see if that gives you some of my amazing luck with the men, go right ahead. I have plenty to share! NO PLEASE TAKE IT
"How about a second chance? I was distracted by my living situation and life in general but I really liked you and want to try again! What do you say?"
What do I say? WHAT DO I SAY? Hmmm... where do I begin? That's the real question. "Can you go back in time and un-kill those kittens?" "HELL NO, you are a creepy muthafucka!!" "Is this a joke?" "The person you are trying to reach was taken by the Rapture. This is an automated reply. Please do not respond."
What I really said? *chirp chirp* Absolutely nothing.
And now on to the real story, which some of you from Facebook may remember, but come on! It's a good one! And it seems fitting post-non-Rapture to tell the story of a guy who tried to invite me to church on our first and only date! I hope he believed with all his little heart and sold everything he owns in preparation for the regular old gray cold Saturday we had yesterday.
November 2009 was kind of rough for me. Actually, the entire last quarter of 2009 was rough for me, THANKS A LOT CHEF WHO DUMPED ME TWICE. *ahem* So I decided to try responding to a Craigslist personal. I do have friends who have had good luck with those. I'd actually found a guy in my area & age range who wasn't gross or a weirdo or asking for "a submissive princess" or "discreet meetup" (because he's married), etc. If you've ever poked through the CL personals, you know that's rare.
We talk on the phone, he seems okay, we meet up... he's 10 minutes late (which leaves me sitting in the freezing cold waiting) with no apology, wearing an old t-shirt and torn jeans with long johns underneath. I'm no fashionista and I'm generally always in jeans and a t-shirt, but he couldn't even find jeans without a GIANT hole in the knee? Okay, okay... he's not unattractive and he's pretty interesting, so I figure, I'm already here, I'll just hang out. We were meeting to see a movie I really wanted to see (what's that? me making excuses for my boy retardation? ARE WE SURPRISED?). We start walking and talking while we wait to be let into the theater (Central Cinema for you locals), and at some point he tells me that he met a cute girl on the bus on the way there and they chatted a while.
I feel I need to put lots of parenthetical commentary in for you lovely readers just so you can get the full effect of this bit - plus it totally makes it look like I am a Writer of Plays.
me (sarcastic): "Yeah? How'd that work out for you?"
him (totally sincere): "Well, I was surprised she was interested, so that was cool, but ..." (suddenly seems to realize he is talking to his DATE and not his buddies) "uh, I mean, it obviously didn't work out, you know, 'cause I still came here to meet you." (beams at me as though I am one lucky bitch and why am I not kissing his face off in gratitude right now?)
me (with some degree of disbelief because is he for real?): "Wow. And you're sharing this with me why?"
him (proud as fuck and grinning): "I'm an open book!"
He also later asked me about my religious beliefs (I'm pretty sure it was not a natural segue either), and I said I'm agnostic. He laughed and said he thinks being agnostic is just lazy, and told me all about some church in my neighborhood he thinks I should attend.
I replied, "You know what? You're right. I am just being lazy! I'm so glad you came along and gave me that motivational kick in the butt I so desperately needed. What time is church?"
Wait. No. I just sort of stared at him and changed the subject. Because, hi, I grew up going to church 3 times a week, every week. Then I went to a Christian university where I took 5 semesters of Bible courses AND attended Chapel every damn weekday. THEN... I married a preacher's son. But no, you're right, I'M JUST LAZY. I have NO idea what the beliefs are that I'm questioning or the denominations I'm denouncing. Clearly.
At the end of the night, we walked outside and I wanted desperately to just say "bye" and run away, but I have a tiny bit of proper Southern girl in me. He was poking at his phone, yammering about complicated bus routes, clearly hinting for a ride home. Finally I got sick of standing in the 20 degree weather waiting for him to shut up, so I interrupted, "Okay, nice to meet you."
He looked up, genuinely surprised that I was not leaping at the opportunity to drive his sorry ass home. He said, "Oh, yeah, I was gonna say that, nice to meet you, and--" I cut him off with, "There's no and." I actually said this to the guy. I followed that with, "the end." Rude, but oh so satisfying. He looked a little confused but said, "Yeah, I guess we'll see how this pans out." How WHAT pans out? What part of "the end" does not compute?? I gave up - I turned and walked away.
A couple of weeks later, I got an email from him - "Hey I had a good time on our date. I'd be up for doing it again if you are."
Ladies, if you'd like to touch me and see if that gives you some of my amazing luck with the men, go right ahead. I have plenty to share! NO PLEASE TAKE IT
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