Just an Average Friday Morning

Genie: can we talk about virgins?
Peanut: of course!
Genie: would you ever date one?
Peanut: I have
Peanut: I wouldn't *now*
Peanut: but in my 20s I took ... 3 virginities
Genie: you minx!
Peanut: I do what I can
Peanut: someone has to teach these boys!

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Peanut: god will get rid of acne, too
Peanut: but only if you promise to ONLY have sex for procreation
Genie: thats what I do! sex only for procreation
Genie: weird how it doesnt seem to be working. i'd better keep tryin
Peanut: you can't do it in any position except missionary
Peanut: other positions are deviant
Genie: ooohhhh...well that there's gonna be a problem
Peanut: you do it in a sex swing, don't you?
Peanut: I knew it
Genie: no way. people break legs on those things

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Col. Dr.: I just have a few good stories, mostly about trying to break up without it being my fault and revenge on a best friend who started dating an ex
Peanut: oh yes, the "try to get him to dump me" move
Peanut: I'm very good at that
Peanut: what was the revenge?
Col. Dr.: it was multi stage monkey shining
Col. Dr.: signing him up for gay magazines, not porn, but "gay teen life" "Out" stuff like that, so that his parents would see these magazines being delivered for him
Col. Dr.: lunch meat in his car
Col. Dr.: bought him a goat
Peanut: wait
Peanut: really?
Col. Dr.: had it delivered to his house
Col. Dr.: yup
Col. Dr.: tried to buy a sheep, but they were much more expensive
Col. Dr.: but the farmer dropped the goat right off
Col. Dr.: left a blow up doll outside his window in the yard
Col. Dr.: left notes to teachers from him, about how much he liked them
Col. Dr.: at some point it became more about the next prank than the revenge

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Oh, and as of this morning, I can now add +1 to people I've seen shirtless at this company. *sigh* He was changing in the parking lot...

Embrace the Sex, Religions!

Recently I read a really fantastic article/personal story that I think everyone who was raised in, is being raised in, or is raising children in a religious-minded home should read and consider: http://www.salon.com/2013/05/06/my_virginity_mistake/

I won't claim to be an expert on religions - I'm nowhere near that. I was, however, raised in a strict, Southern, conservative, very religious home. When I was in elementary school, I started reading Sweet Valley Twins. To this day, I remember being confused by a part in one of those books where the family slept in on Sunday, had breakfast, read the paper, toodled about... but didn't go to church. What.

Doesn't everyone go to church? I thought. Isn't that what Sundays are about? We went Sunday morning for classes and a nice long "worship service." Sunday lunch was a big affair, then usually there were naps, and then it was back to church for evening services (no class). Sunday morning involved dressing up - and for me, as a girl, this meant dresses/skirts. Sunday night was a more casual affair with jeans, but never, ever shorts. Wednesday nights were like Sunday nights, except we usually had class followed by a short service. This was my life: church 3 times a week, every week, for over 17 years.

Nice to Meet You - DING!

There's been some interest in hearing about my speed dating adventure, so I figured it was time to tackle that one. It was almost 3 years ago so my memory is a little hazy, but I'll do my best to express the full awfulness of the whole thing for you.

I went because that summer, I was spending a lot of time with a girl I'll just call A. She was an incredibly friendly, outgoing person who was, like me, divorced and struggling in the dating world. The summer we met, I happened to be in a perfectly content single state, but I had a lot of fun dressing up and going out with her, playing wing woman, sharing dating stories and woes. I thought I'd found a kindred spirit and finally a close girl friend who lived just a block from me so we could spend time together.

That friendship fell apart after a few months, and I won't go into that out of respect for her - I've seen her since, and she's changed a lot. Unfortunately it turns out we happened to meet during a really difficult, dark time in her life, and she wasn't her true self. The disappointment I felt when we parted ways just after my 31st birthday was akin to the heartbreak of a romantic relationship breakup, and I still occasionally feel a pang of regret that we never reconciled.

Tangent over; one night A really wanted to try speed dating. She and a male coworker, whom I'd met before and thought was rather nice, were going and she insisted I come along for support. I in turn insisted she pay my entry fee. Fair's fair, bitches! I reeeeally did not want to go. I had no interest in meeting anyone at the time and how much could I really play wing woman when we were always at separate tables?

Am I Still Breathing?

I feel really lost lately. There are some times of okay-ness, but mostly? Lost. The cause of this isn't my subject... it's something I only feel comfortable talking about with 3 people at this point. Maybe 4, though only a couple of this already small group really fully understand and support - oddly, people I wasn't close to before; one I only recently met. It's a rough spot to be in, but I at least I have them.

This feeling makes it difficult to think of funny stories to tell. I feel this blog is dying... or died long ago. I never wrote about divorce, really, but lately I've been hearing a lot of stories about divorces, or people who "stayed for the kids," or various other unhappy situations. I've also heard some stories of people who are grateful to have gotten divorced, who have found love and happiness that they didn't think they'd ever have again.

All this to say, lately I've realized once again just how fortunate I am to have married a kind man (obviously it would have been better to not have married at all, but the way we were both raised simply led to that). Not the right man for me, nor I the right woman for him, but still - he is kind. I'm grateful we didn't own property together (a futon, TV, and DVDs don't count). Grateful we didn't have children (just pets) or a lot of financial tie-ups, being we were in our early 20s and still in that post-college struggling phase. Grateful our divorce was easy, amicable, inexpensive (I think? I didn't pay for it, but there weren't lawyers or anything). And most of all, grateful that after some time had passed, we are friends again. Not close friends - geographically or emotionally - but I think if either of our lives simply collapsed, he'd be there for me and I for him. We have a certain bond and I hope we always will. I'm fortunate that he is the sort of guy who treasures old friendships, maintains connections with all of his exes, and has (I hope) forgiven me for my part in our troubles as I have long since forgiven him.

Gah, I can't seem to be funny today. Have I told the story of the creepy airport employee who hit on me in October? Maybe the story of that awful night I spent at a speed dating event, thanks to a then-friend I was very close to twisting my arm to go along with her? The guy at the bar who actually attempted to use the line "didn't we go to high school together?" Help me out here, my handful of readers!

Sunshine and Rainbow Farts

I keep trying to write here, but I'm having trouble thinking of funny dating/sex stories from my past. I know I said I would write about divorce, but every time I try, I get all worked up and pissed off and that just sucks.

Part of the problem is that this is a really hard time of year for me. As a perpetually single woman, I often get really sad about that fact. The holidays make being single that much rougher, not to mention the shitty weather here (and knowing the shitty weather has another 4 or 5 months to go), the fact that I hate the cold (but I love sweaters. Except hand washing them. I'M SO TORN), and oh yeah - fucking Valentine's Day crap already in the stores and that shit looming in the near future. AND as we all know I'm predisposed to some pretty awful bouts of depression anyway, which makes everything SO MUCH MORE FUN.

SO

my point is it's been hard to update this damn thing. But today! TODAY! an update! Right now I'm picturing the scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail where there was much rejoicing (yaaaay). I'm still a bit rusty on the writing, though, so I'm copping out and giving you a chat log from this morning.

The P word and the D word

And by that, sadly, I don't mean penis and dick. Sorry.

Politics and divorce! What fun! I mean, really, those are everyone's favorite topics at a dinner party, aren't they? Casual banter with a stranger on a bus ride? Holiday topics with family?

Huh. Well. I'm gonna go ahead and write about them anyway. I feel qualified because I both voted and got divorced... one much more recently than the other, of course.

Brain Drugs Rule

The new medication I've been taking for a while now is pretty much amazing. I'm hoping it holds up - in the past I've tried anti-depressants, and they seemed to help for the first month or so, only to give up and become pointless. Much like many of the men I date. *rimshot*

I still have (often very strong) anti-social tendencies for sure (I'm still an introvert at heart, after all), but they seem less frequent. At work I'm definitely friendlier and more willing to engage with coworkers, whereas before I often tried my best to avoid interaction whenever possible. And I recently had a situation very similar to Asshat, with a couple of notable exceptions. First, we were friends for quite a while before anything happened. For a brief moment, I considered him a close friend and confidant. Another exception is that this time, when I realized I was being used and minimized, I called him on his bullshit and walked out. Done, finished, over. No looking back, no blaming myself (even though he tried to blame me), and no agonizing. To be fair to myself, this is definitely not entirely due to chemicals - I'm in a much better and stronger place emotionally than I was 3 years ago.

I was a little sad that I'd once again been used when I thought I was actually someone of worth to this person, and I was angry as all hell for a few days, but then... I was fine. My only real mistake was caring about someone and believing he might mean the things he said to me, and what's the fault in that?

I've been rocking socks at work, although that's led to many late nights at the office lately, but I'm totally okay with that. I no longer feel exhausted from being around people all day and need to scamper home at 5 on the dot just to regain my sanity.

There's still some depression, anxiety, feelings of self-doubt, jealousy. This is not a magical solution that will solve all my problems. It is, however, thus far giving me the energy to deal with those issues when they crop up, and seems to be keeping things from dipping quite so low when they dip.

So yay! I know this isn't a fascinating or funny post, but hey, they can't all be amazing, right? Then you'd hate me for being so incredible! Or something..