Am I Still Breathing?

I feel really lost lately. There are some times of okay-ness, but mostly? Lost. The cause of this isn't my subject... it's something I only feel comfortable talking about with 3 people at this point. Maybe 4, though only a couple of this already small group really fully understand and support - oddly, people I wasn't close to before; one I only recently met. It's a rough spot to be in, but I at least I have them.

This feeling makes it difficult to think of funny stories to tell. I feel this blog is dying... or died long ago. I never wrote about divorce, really, but lately I've been hearing a lot of stories about divorces, or people who "stayed for the kids," or various other unhappy situations. I've also heard some stories of people who are grateful to have gotten divorced, who have found love and happiness that they didn't think they'd ever have again.

All this to say, lately I've realized once again just how fortunate I am to have married a kind man (obviously it would have been better to not have married at all, but the way we were both raised simply led to that). Not the right man for me, nor I the right woman for him, but still - he is kind. I'm grateful we didn't own property together (a futon, TV, and DVDs don't count). Grateful we didn't have children (just pets) or a lot of financial tie-ups, being we were in our early 20s and still in that post-college struggling phase. Grateful our divorce was easy, amicable, inexpensive (I think? I didn't pay for it, but there weren't lawyers or anything). And most of all, grateful that after some time had passed, we are friends again. Not close friends - geographically or emotionally - but I think if either of our lives simply collapsed, he'd be there for me and I for him. We have a certain bond and I hope we always will. I'm fortunate that he is the sort of guy who treasures old friendships, maintains connections with all of his exes, and has (I hope) forgiven me for my part in our troubles as I have long since forgiven him.

Gah, I can't seem to be funny today. Have I told the story of the creepy airport employee who hit on me in October? Maybe the story of that awful night I spent at a speed dating event, thanks to a then-friend I was very close to twisting my arm to go along with her? The guy at the bar who actually attempted to use the line "didn't we go to high school together?" Help me out here, my handful of readers!

Sunshine and Rainbow Farts

I keep trying to write here, but I'm having trouble thinking of funny dating/sex stories from my past. I know I said I would write about divorce, but every time I try, I get all worked up and pissed off and that just sucks.

Part of the problem is that this is a really hard time of year for me. As a perpetually single woman, I often get really sad about that fact. The holidays make being single that much rougher, not to mention the shitty weather here (and knowing the shitty weather has another 4 or 5 months to go), the fact that I hate the cold (but I love sweaters. Except hand washing them. I'M SO TORN), and oh yeah - fucking Valentine's Day crap already in the stores and that shit looming in the near future. AND as we all know I'm predisposed to some pretty awful bouts of depression anyway, which makes everything SO MUCH MORE FUN.

SO

my point is it's been hard to update this damn thing. But today! TODAY! an update! Right now I'm picturing the scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail where there was much rejoicing (yaaaay). I'm still a bit rusty on the writing, though, so I'm copping out and giving you a chat log from this morning.

The P word and the D word

And by that, sadly, I don't mean penis and dick. Sorry.

Politics and divorce! What fun! I mean, really, those are everyone's favorite topics at a dinner party, aren't they? Casual banter with a stranger on a bus ride? Holiday topics with family?

Huh. Well. I'm gonna go ahead and write about them anyway. I feel qualified because I both voted and got divorced... one much more recently than the other, of course.

Brain Drugs Rule

The new medication I've been taking for a while now is pretty much amazing. I'm hoping it holds up - in the past I've tried anti-depressants, and they seemed to help for the first month or so, only to give up and become pointless. Much like many of the men I date. *rimshot*

I still have (often very strong) anti-social tendencies for sure (I'm still an introvert at heart, after all), but they seem less frequent. At work I'm definitely friendlier and more willing to engage with coworkers, whereas before I often tried my best to avoid interaction whenever possible. And I recently had a situation very similar to Asshat, with a couple of notable exceptions. First, we were friends for quite a while before anything happened. For a brief moment, I considered him a close friend and confidant. Another exception is that this time, when I realized I was being used and minimized, I called him on his bullshit and walked out. Done, finished, over. No looking back, no blaming myself (even though he tried to blame me), and no agonizing. To be fair to myself, this is definitely not entirely due to chemicals - I'm in a much better and stronger place emotionally than I was 3 years ago.

I was a little sad that I'd once again been used when I thought I was actually someone of worth to this person, and I was angry as all hell for a few days, but then... I was fine. My only real mistake was caring about someone and believing he might mean the things he said to me, and what's the fault in that?

I've been rocking socks at work, although that's led to many late nights at the office lately, but I'm totally okay with that. I no longer feel exhausted from being around people all day and need to scamper home at 5 on the dot just to regain my sanity.

There's still some depression, anxiety, feelings of self-doubt, jealousy. This is not a magical solution that will solve all my problems. It is, however, thus far giving me the energy to deal with those issues when they crop up, and seems to be keeping things from dipping quite so low when they dip.

So yay! I know this isn't a fascinating or funny post, but hey, they can't all be amazing, right? Then you'd hate me for being so incredible! Or something..

On a Lighter Note

IM'ing with my boss..

Peanut: I've seen 2 people at this company with shirts off unintentionally and 1 intentionally
Peanut: I think maybe I've reached my quota
Peanut: wait no
Peanut: 4

boss: ha

Peanut: because old_boss wasn't wearing a shirt when he did the Dirty Dash

boss: do I hear a 6?

Peanut: har har
Peanut: the rest have been fired/quit
Peanut: um
Peanut: okay
Peanut: 5

boss: lol

Peanut: shit
Peanut: 6

...and then I heard my boss laugh from across the room.

Quack Quack, Motherfucker

(title is an homage to The Bloggess)

I've been chatting here and there with my ex-husband a bit more frequently lately, and while it's never anything of any real importance, it's kind of nice. First of all, it's a good feeling to know we've somehow managed to regain a semblance of friendship after everything we went through together. And second, it's a reminder to me that once upon a time, a long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away (please don't sue me, Mr. Lucas), someone loved me. Someone thought I was worth the risk and the effort and that I had something real and valuable to offer him.

The downside to thinking that is that it's made me think about my current state in life. In the almost-decade since our divorce, I can count on one hand the number of men outside of my family who have said "I love you." Hell, I can count on two fingers - one was ridiculously drunk and possibly concussed at the time, and the other listened to AM talk radio and believed in chem trails (if you don't know what those are, oh please do Google them).

I feel like a duck surrounded by swans* (kind of a reverse Ugly Duckling story). You may think I get treated like a duck because I believe I'm a duck - it's a chicken & egg (okay, duck & egg) question. But I think of myself as a swan most of the time. When I start seeing someone new, I believe I'm a swan. I believe that we're good together, that this could work, that I'm worthwhile to him and he can see that. Even the guys who say they aren't ready for a relationship yada yada yada - stupidly, foolishly, I believe that he will see my worth and somehow, my patience and kindness will gradually heal his broken heart and he will realize that I was so wonderful to him and I am so right for him. FAIRY TALES.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's stupid. I'd tell anyone else to run. But that's how earnestly I start out believing I'm a swan.

On Suicide and Shame

I swear I'm not trying to take the easy way out and just give you guys links to things instead of writing actual content, but I have more links for you. I'm gonna write about 'em, though! So this is like a combination post. Hooray!

First link is this book I'm reading with one of those ridiculously long titles involving a colon that lets you know right up front it's kind of a self-help book: I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough". There is no way to refer to that book that isn't cumbersome (god I hate that song), but I'm giving it a chance anyway.

Normally, I have zero interest in self-help books. They're usually doofy and written by someone who is just pulling pyscho-pop babble out of their ass to make money off sad people. I used to work at a bookstore, and would just boggle at the nutty titles of these things when straightening that section. Really? Some old frosted-blonde lady with 3-inch French tip fingernails is going to tell me how to land a man? Because we're all the same, you know, we women. And men, of course, are all the same, too. There's a formula to finding love/happiness/transcendence/Waldo. Just, um, don't look at that book right next to this one, which gives you a totally different formula, because THIS IS THE ONE. BUY ME.

This one is by an author recommended by Jenny Lawson, a.k.a. The Bloggess. I'm a huge Bloggess fan because she's a great writer who is open about her struggles with anxiety and depression, and approaches the topics with the best sense of humor. She makes these problems accessible to people who don't suffer, while bringing a sense of community and hope to those who do. It's damn awesome, and her book made me laugh so hard I couldn't eat while reading it, so I should probably go ahead and recommend that, too. She's hugely popular right now for this Traveling Red Dress thing she's started, and she also likes to emphasize the idea "depression lies." If you've never suffered from depression, then A. are you old enough to be reading this blog? and B. you probably don't get it. But if you have, even temporary post-sad-event depression, you probably realize that it's SO TRUE. Depression's an asshole that gets all up in your brain bits and lies to you about who you are and what you're worth.